DADDY, I LOVE YOU TO DEATH

It began in the warm darkness before birth. The fetus flinched and curled and fought against the fists that beat at it, daily- the fists of its mother who tried to beat it out of existence so she could deny it, so she could cover her own shame, humiliation and abandonment, her own mistake. The horses her mother rode jogging her fetus furiously, sourrounded by wild agitation. The damage from the turpentine ingestion that was of the emryotic fluid in which she swam that was supposed to abort her and she wondered what else she endured for she had no names to fit the crimes. The crime of attempted murder before she was born. And born she was! 4 1/2 pounds with a twisted left foot and refusing mother's milk, unable to hold down a formula, losing weight. Once there, there could be no denying her. Her baby picture was cute, she was bunkled in knitted fluff, a copy was sent to him, the seed donner. He still didn't want her. Her picture was an offering, a save face offering. How much rejection could she endure. The cost was great, the circuit was endless. No one was the survivor. She was named Roberta he was Robert. Roberta wanted a what was hers. She wanted what she was denied. Her name, her birthday and him. She wanted to wipe away the rejection and she wanted the love she was due. She was willing to buy it with her soul, he paid for it with his. Her mother couldn't face the ultimate deception. No one won.