A COMPASS TO PARENTING

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Part One The Starting Point:...................................................1Introduction: Setting Your Course..............................................31: The Power of Influence......................................................92: Parenting with Purpose......................................................15Part Two Three Essential Character Qualities in Parenting:.....................253: The Quality of Love.........................................................274: The Quality of Grace........................................................375: The Quality of Patience.....................................................47Part Three How We Understand Each Other:.......................................556: The Way We Communicate Love, Grace and Patience.............................577: Our Expression of Affection.................................................658: Our Distinguishing Personality..............................................73Part Four The Way We Maintain Peace:...........................................799: Responding to and Resolving Conflict........................................8110: The Route to Obedience: Discipline.........................................8711: The Way We Enjoy Parenting.................................................99

Chapter One

For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois, and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well. 2 Timothy 1:5 (New American Standard)

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. —Robert Fulghum

The power of influence is, strangely, an indirect effort. Most of the time, you don't set out purposely to influence someone. Instead, you usually influence someone by just being you. This indirect effort still has powerful impact but not equal to the effort you put into it. How you live your life will influence those around you. You probably are not fully aware of the power you have and can use to change or affect another person's life. The people around you observe and notice your behavior and attitude. If they spend a considerable amount of time with you, you will have a subtle yet penetrating effect on that person. Now, the question is: what kind of influence do you have on your children? What message are you giving them about who you are, what you stand for, and what is important to you?

Every day, your life reveals a story about you. What you say and do every day reveals something about your past, something about you today, and something about your future hopes, dreams, and desires. Have you thought about what you want to see in your child's life? What in your life do you want to influence them? I want my life to influence my children to live for Christ, not for themselves; for them to make relationships a priority in their lives. I want them to live beyond their fears or insecurities to become the person God has designed them to be. When the last chapter of your life is ending here on earth, when all is "said and done," what do you hope will be written on their hearts through the influence you had on each of their lives?

Parenting Is an Influential Profession

Truly influential people are people who attract others to follow them; others like to be around them. Influential people usually make things happen, whether it is something monumental or minuscule. They make things happen without manipulating, forcing, or controlling.

To be influential, you first need to understand and believe you have an impact on others. You need to realize that people like to be around people who show a genuine interest in them. To be influential you need to

• be friendly;

• be complimentary;

• be a good listener;

• be apologetic, sympathetic, and respectful;

• complain and criticize less;

• not condemn or shame;

• use succinct and amiable words; and

• use a gentle and nonthreatening tone.

Influential people show sincerity and passion about life. They are not big complainers or criticizers. They have opinions and desires, but they don't shame, embarrass, condemn, or belittle yours. They listen to your opinions, convictions, and desires and then gently persuade you to listen to theirs. They move you toward the vision in their mind through their words and, above all, how they share those words. A dictator or manipulator can mislead you because he initially seems like this type of sincere, influential person but will turn into a manipulative person once he has hooked you into following him.

As a believer in Christ, with his power in you, you have the ability to allow Christ's influence to impact those around you. Surrendering and allowing his Spirit to work through you is a deliberate awareness on your part. In the fifth chapter of Galatians, Paul talks about denying the desires of the flesh, refusing to walk in those fleshly (worldly) desires, and following the Spirit's lead. "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please" (Galatians 5:16–17, NAS).

In Galatians 5:19–23, we see counterparts to the choices we can make in our life that will produce good or evil in us, which will eventually impact those around us.

Deeds of the Flesh

* Immorality

* Idolatry

* Anger

* Dissension

* Drunkenness

* Jealousy

* Disputes

Deeds of the Spirit

* Self-control

* Faithfulness

* Love

* Peace

* Joy

* Kindness

* Gentleness

To walk in the Spirit means to surrender your thoughts and intentions to his thoughts and intentions for your life. To walk in the Spirit means to know and believe that God is in you to will and direct each step you take. Do you want that? If you do, then pursue him. Live out your day in conscious pursuit of fulfilling his work for you within the parameters of your sphere of influence.

Each of our personal worlds is different from others. Some people have a world that has many, many people and places in it. Others have a smaller world. It doesn't matter how big or small your world is; what is important is that you believe this is the world upon which God has asked you to be an influence. This sphere of influence is your opportunity to make a difference—to be his voice, his hands, and his feet.

You can do that only if you allow him to shine through you and if you allow him to control you. This is a purpose of the Holy Spirit—to glorify God and to put his character on display through your daily life. Are you willing to release your life, to lay it down and replace it with true worship? What is true worship? Worship is bowing before him with a heart that is desirous to praise his worthiness, to be thankful for what he has done for you and for who he is. Worship is sacrificing your viewpoint, desire, goals, and plans in exchange for his viewpoint, desire, goal, and plan for your life. Seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened ... to a life that will be filled with significance and purpose.

Parenting is an influential profession. Christian parents have Christ as their compass point to direct and guide them as a changing instrument in the life of their child.

Going Beyond 1

The Power of Influence (Supplementary questions for personal or group discussion)

1. During your childhood, who was the most influential person you remember?

• In what way did he/she influence you?

• How did this influence benefit your adulthood or adversely affect it?

2. What type of influence do you think you personally have on your children? Your spouse? Your friends?

3. What do you want your life to produce in your child?

4. From Galatians 5:13–25, make a list of the flesh's influence and the Spirit's influence. From your list, which influences are you allowing to reign right now?

• If you have allowed a fleshy characteristic to reign, what characteristic of the Spirit could replace it? (Choose a characteristic quality from your list of the Spirit's influence.)

5. Briefly describe your sphere of influence. Who are the main characters in your world?

• What role do you have in each of these people lives?

6. From the eight qualities of an influential person, which quality or qualities do you need to improve?

Chapter Two

And walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. And He said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men." And they immediately left the nets, and followed Him. Matthew 4:18–20 (NAS)

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories. —John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

If I were to ask you what your goal is in parenting, what would you say? Would you say obedient children? Would your answer be that you want to make sure your children are safe, secure, and fed? Maybe your goal is to just love them and teach them to love others. Or perhaps you don't have a particular goal in mind. You might figure, "I'm too busy to think about what my goal is when all I do all day is try to keep everything from getting out of control!" Isn't it amazing how quickly a day passes right by us, because we are knee-deep in managing all the planned and unplanned events of the day? Then, at the end of the day, we ask ourselves, "What in the world did I accomplish today?" You might ask yourself, "Was it meaningful? Did it count for anything?"

Life makes more sense when there is purpose, doesn't it? Purpose is the fuel that propels us forward in any given situation. If you lose your focus on the purpose, you start to sputter, you stall, and you lose the momentum to continue, especially when there is one of those "big hills" to overcome. There has to be a big-picture purpose in your parenting. If you don't have a purpose, how do you know where you're going and how you're going to get there? Having purpose is all about having a goal, about having a destination in mind. It is taking large and small steps to meet that goal or destination.

Changing Our Parenting Philosophy

When I think about the purpose and process of parenting, I think about Matthew 4:18–20. This passage is about two fishermen who are about to take the lessons learned from being fishermen and use them in a new direction: "And walking by the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. And He said to them, 'Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.' And they immediately left their nets and followed Him."

Being a fisherman is more difficult than we sometimes realize. Being a fisherman requires a lot of energy and stamina. I'm not talking about casual fishing for sport—standing at the end of a dock, hanging your pole out there to see if a perch will nibble on the worm dangling off your hook. What I'm talking about is fishing as a vocation, similar to what you see on the Discovery Channel television show Deadliest Catch. This is hard work. There is much to do to prepare to catch fish. You have to take care of your nets and know where and when to maneuver them into place, as well as pulling the nets in at precisely the right time. You need patience to wait for your catch. You need to have courage to tackle any problems or storms that attempt to destroy your efforts. It takes a lot of diligence, wisdom, and hard work to produce a good catch.

Now, let's get back to the story of the men who were fishing. They were busy casting their net into the Sea of Galilee when Jesus arrived on the scene to invite them to follow him and learn to be "fishers of men" instead of fishermen. They immediately responded to the invitation, leaving their nets (which meant leaving what they knew and believed in) to cleave to Jesus, believing and trusting that he would teach and direct them into a life that was purposeful and fulfilling.

The dedication and disposition of a fisherman is similar to the qualities needed to parent effectively and produce the results you desire: it requires stamina, energy, and endurance. You need a plan, a purpose, and a goal. You need to learn timing and patience. It calls for courage, wisdom, and diligence. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs (and relationships) you will have. To parent actively and productively means you need to be fully engaged in your role as a parent, rather than just focusing on the basic care and protection of your child.

What Jesus was saying to Peter and Andrew was that he would teach them to "catch" men by teaching and persuading them to trust and believe in him, in God. That is how we want to think about ourselves in our roles as parents—we are "fishers of men." Our goal in parenting should be evangelism and then discipleship. In other words, catch them and then direct them.

The Way of a Disciple

How do we evangelize our children? The same way we evangelize others: by being a reflection and a representation of God to them. We are called to be witnesses, to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. We are called to be image-bearers. We are called to tell our children the gospel of Christ, of how holy God is, and why we need a savior to save us from our sinful selves. We need to show them what it means to repent and be transformed into God's likeness. As we demonstrate our transformation, our children will follow our actions and attitudes. This is what discipleship looks like. It is us, living out our life as a new person (a Christian), and our children following suit. We cannot save them, but we need to show them what true redemption looks like. Romans 12:9–21 has a good checklist for us to evaluate how we look as a Christian. We should

* be kind;

* honor one another;

* be enthusiastic and passionate about God;

* serve God and people;

* rejoice;

* be patient;

* be steadfast in prayer; and

* be hospitable.

In John 15:5, Jesus says, "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in [follows] Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing." We cannot be transformed into Jesus's character without abiding in him and allowing him to abide in us. This means surrendering to the Holy Spirit's control. We will look at some character qualities of God that are essential in parenting in the next few chapters, but for now, let's continue focusing on the ultimate purpose of a Christian parent.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall ...

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others" (Matthew 5:14–16, English Standard Version).

In this passage, Jesus was all about bringing that "light" into the pathway of everyone he encountered (John 8:12, NAS). If our goal in parenting is evangelism and discipleship, then the way we live our lives in our homes should give off the light of Christ to our children. The reflection of Christ in us and our good deeds need to be visible to others; our light should shine bright, shining on all who cross our paths. Our children should be illuminated by the light that shines from within us. There is a "law of reflection" in our world. If you have a mirror and you shine a light into it, it will reflect that light outward. What shines on that mirror will shine out on something else. When we choose to focus our attention on the character qualities of God and allow him to replace our character flaws with his character virtues, it will reflect down to our child.

However, we can lose the value and effectiveness of being transformed into the likeness of Christ (2 Cor. 3:18) if we don't allow his light to shine outward. We darken his light in us by our selfish and sinful attitudes and behaviors. We allow fear or shame to cover his light before men. Our attitudes and actions will display either us or God. We want our children to see God and praise his goodness. A good question to ask yourself daily is "Is my child seeing Jesus in this attitude or action, or is he seeing me in this attitude or action?" I think such a self-evaluating question, at times, would stop us in our tracks. We want our children to be attracted to Christ, like a moth is drawn to a light. We want them to see Christ in us.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from A COMPASS TO PARENTINGby LYDIA WEATHERLY Copyright © 2012 by Lydia Weatherly. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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