The Choices We Make Dictate The Life We Lead

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Contents

Chapter 1: From The Beginning..............................1Chapter 2: Relative Annoyance..............................3Chapter 3: Dad.............................................7Chapter 4: Mary Anne.......................................11Chapter 5: School Years....................................23Chapter 6: The Army........................................29Chapter 7: College.........................................45Chapter 8: The Funeral Business............................49Chapter 9: Going For Your Dreams...........................57Chapter 10: The Family.....................................63Chapter 11: Raising Seven Kids.............................67Chapter 12: Humor..........................................79Chapter 13: Making A Difference............................85Chapter 14: When Dreams Don't Work Out.....................91Chapter 15: Dealing With People............................95About the Author...........................................103

Chapter One

I was the second born to Ray and Phoebe Daniels on November 7, 1962 at JB Thomas Hospital in Peabody, Mass. My sister, Maria (Mini), was 11 months older than me. After that came Maureen (Mo), Raymond Jr. (Sudsy), Anthony (Rusty), and Deidre (Dee).

My parents married in 1960, which was a year after my father graduated from high school, and the year my mother was supposed to graduate. She never graduated, and the shit's been hitting the fan ever since.

Too young, and mistakenly in love, these two intelligent, good looking people with the best of intentions, began twenty years of what I can only describe as "Hell".

Not all my childhood was terrible. My mom's parents, Grammy and Grampy lived next door, which was always a safe refuge whenever I needed to escape.

The other wonderful thing about my childhood was the neighborhood. It was full of kids all the time. Never was there a moment that I couldn't find someone to play with. We played with trucks, we sang, we played sports, we laughed, and we even fought. But oh, what a neighborhood to grow up in! I didn't know it then, but all the kids were my "real" family.

Going to school was a real drag for me, and I always thought I was stupid, but I'll talk more on this later. Suffice it to say, my stomach was in knots at home, and again, every day at school. That doesn't leave much time to enjoy life. Somehow, because of the neighborhood kids, I did manage to enjoy all my time away from home and school.

As soon as I turned 18, I hightailed it out of there faster than a speeding bullet. With a pregnant 17-year-old girlfriend (and later wife), I had to become a man quickly. As difficult as it was, it was far easier being in control of my own life and bringing up a family than it ever was growing up as Ray and Phoebe's kid and Maria's little brother.

Three kids, ten years in the army and 16 years of marriage to the only woman I ever knew and loved, brought me to a new phase in life. I had a new occupation, new state to live in, new wife, and two new children as well. Add a few more years, and two more kids, and you have a very busy and crazy life.

Eight years later after relocating again and hoping to settle down comfortably with just my wife, out comes that guy with the club who's been waiting around the corner. Strike two with the marriage thing came when my second wife didn't feel secure enough to move down to Florida from New Hampshire after I had been there almost two years alone. I made the grave mistake of thinking her unconditional love for me would outweigh my own selfish ambitions. Yet another failure in my life, but one I've gained more wisdom from than any other circumstance I have ever been in.

LESSON 1—UNCONDITIONAL LOVE DESERVES TO BE RECIPROCATED.

My life has been one learning experience after another. I never did well in school, and they taught me the lesson before I took the test. In real life, you take the test first and then you learn your lesson. It's not easy, but whose life is? It's how we handle life's little battles that we become a better person with each day.

Chapter Two

Relatives can be both a blessing and an annoyance. One particular relative of mine, who shall remain nameless, was more on the annoying side for me. My parents thought this relative could do no wrong. To be fair, this person did help my dad out a lot when my mom was in the funny farm. It seemed every year my parents would have this huge fight, and off to the mental hospital my mother went for a few months. Because they helped dad out a great deal, he overlooked anything this person did wrong.

My brother Ray and I were on the receiving end of an ass whipping solely due to this relative more than any other thing in our lives. If you don't remember anything else in this book, remember this,

LESSON 2—KARMA NEVER FORGETS.

I remember going fishing with my best friend Steve Chigas (who we all called, Farn—short for Stefano), and his grandpa, Pooley. What a great day!

We got in this little rowboat, and anchored about 50 feet from the shore. The moment our lines hit the water, all three of us got a bite at the same time. We hit a whole school of flounder. That was my first time fishing, and boy was I happy! We couldn't put the bait on the hooks fast enough. It was exhilarating being 15 years old, out on a boat with my best friend, catching one fish after another. Two hours later they were still biting, and we had so many fish that we had to stop because we ran out of room in the boat. We took home well over a hundred that day.

Back at Farn's house, we cleaned and gutted every one of them while trying to dodge the yellow jacket wasps they attracted. When we were done, I had a big pile of beautiful flounder to take home to feed my family for dinner that night.

When I got home I set the table, mixed the batter, got out the pans, and was ready to rock and roll. I was so proud of catching all those fish and even more excited to be able to cook them for my whole family.

It didn't quite work out the way I would have liked. You see, that annoying relative thing reared its ugly head when they insisted I leave the kitchen to them. When I refused, a call went out to my dad who came swiftly along to let me know in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't be doing the cooking that night. That lesson came with a little physical reminder just to make sure I got the message.

I recall a time when I was wearing my own pair of jeans that I was accused of steeling from the annoying one. Another shout out to good ole dad found those jeans abruptly pulled off my waist along with anything else I was wearing. The most embarrassing part of the entire episode was that it was done in view of my other family members.

I can't even begin to express my embarrassment at that age. Everyone was too scared to even move so they all just stared at me while my father handed the pants to my accuser. After he left the room, I ran upstairs in disbelief. To this day, I can't stand to be naked, not in front of my wife, not even alone.

LESSON 3—PARENTS NEED TO THINK BEFORE EVERY ACTION THEY TAKE TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN. ONE MISTAKE OUT OF ANGER COULD SCAR YOUR CHILD FOR A LIFETIME.

It wasn't that this relative was a bad person. They were spoiled and encouraged to be that way towards all of us. In fact, the pressure this person was put under from a very young age was immense.

LESSON 4—CHILDREN SHOULD BE CHILDREN. NEVER SHOULD ANY CHILD BE GIVEN THE RESPONSIBILITY OF AN ADULT. IT ROBS THEM OF THEIR CHILDHOOD, AND GIVES THEM A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

All in all, they did a good job helping my parents, but at a price too high to handle. They unknowingly alienated themselves from everyone around them.

I wish no ill will on anyone, but we should all know that what goes around comes around. Things are miserable some days for this relative and I can't help but think maybe, just maybe if they were a bit nicer in days gone by, that perhaps life would not have been so cruel.

LESSON 5—WE ALL PAY IN SOME WAY FOR OUR MISTAKES, EVEN IF WE ARE FORGIVEN.

Even with all that's been said, we will all be there for anyone in our family no matter what has happened in the past. We learned a long time ago that:

LESSON 6—WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE LEFT IS YOUR FAMILY.

Chapter Three

I owe a lot to my father. He showed me what it takes to support a large family. He instilled in me the drive and determination to be the best. He imparted so many words of wisdom I still refer to and live by to this very day. He taught me how to work hard and showed me the value in being honest to everyone. I learned from him how important it is to read and to always expand my horizons. I was constantly reminded of the virtues of decency, selflessness, goodwill, altruism, and kindness towards others. Of course, the best advice he ever gave me was:

LESSON 7—BE A GIVER, NOT A TAKER.

Sound advice wasn't the only way my dad taught me. My brother and I got a gift of a set of boxing gloves one holiday and we thought that was the greatest gift ever. Then one day they ended up on the kitchen table as a reminder that we did something wrong. We knew then that it was time to learn how to box, old school in the kitchen with Dad. It was painful at times and I can't say that I didn't learn how to protect myself, but I probably would have rather had karate lessons or something a bit more organized.

LESSON 8—HAVE YOUR CHILDREN LEARN SELF DEFENSE, BUT LET A PROFESSIONAL TEACH IT.

To this day, I love physical competition, as long as I am in the middle of it, either giving or getting a beating. I think I enjoy it today because I'm bigger and stronger as an adult, and I constantly challenge myself to take on all comers. Win, lose or draw, I love a good fight.

Dad tried to teach us responsibility. I remember the day he gave us the task of digging up twelve poles around our yard. My brother and I had all day to do it. I started at 8 AM digging and digging and digging. My brother decided to put it off and go hang out with his friends. Consequently, only seven poles were dug up. When my dad got home and saw the job was not done, he promptly made us quit the Pop Warner football team we both played for.

I wouldn't have minded if I could have played the following year, but this was my last year of eligibility before junior high, and I was so excited because at the end of the season I was getting a jacket and a trophy, something tangible that I could look at every day and be reminded of actually accomplishing something. It really didn't matter to my younger brother, who had two years left to play. I never understood why I got that harsh punishment even though I did my share.

LESSON 9—DOLE OUT PUNISHMENT AND DISCIPLINE FAIRLY. UNLESS YOU ARE IN THE MILITARY, YOU SHOULD NEVER PUNISH A GROUP FOR THE ACTIONS OF ONE.

Believe me, I did enough on my own to get in hot water with my dad. I didn't need Ray's help, when I was in eleventh grade and I came home with a second quarter report card with straight F's. I never was a bright student. God knows, I really didn't try very hard at my academics. I missed half the quarter after knee surgery. The tutor never submitted my grades. So when I brought the report card home, I begged my mother not to show my father. She promised me she wouldn't tell him, but she showed him the report card as soon as he came home.

LESSON 10—IF YOU MAKE A PROMISE, YOU BETTER KEEP IT. YOUR ENTIRE CHARACTER DEPENDS ON YOUR WORD.

Suffice it to say that day was not the best day of my life. I can't even begin to explain the uncomfortable and hurtful feelings both physically and mentally that I endured for a relatively minor infraction. I didn't see the pressures my father was under, not that I deserved everything he did to me, although I did earn some of it.

I asked my dad one day when he was in a good mood, "Dad, why are you always in a bad mood when you wake up?" He answered, "If you had to face the days I face, you'd be in a bad mood too". Once I got older I understood exactly what he meant. However, I wasn't older, I was just a kid.

LESSON 11—NEVER EXPECT A CHILD TO UNDERSTAND AN ADULT'S WORLD. THEY WILL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT WHEN THEY ARE ADULTS.

My father worked extremely hard as the Housing Authority Director of a large city, a job he secured at age 28, which, back then, was unheard of. He truly was a genius, and he did so many good things for so many people. Upon his retirement, the last city he worked for erected a building in his name. I wasn't surprised to find out that my father never showed up for the dedication ceremony, because he didn't ask for or want the recognition. He was a doer. He never cared about who got the credit, just about getting the job done.

LESSON 12—IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THE CREDIT GOES. WORRY ABOUT GETTING THE JOB DONE AND THE CREDIT WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

Between work and trying to keep the wolves from the door, he never had much time for me or any of my siblings. I wanted to spend time with him when he wasn't angry and wasn't busy with something. He never had the time. He never said, "Good morning," "Happy Birthday", "Merry Christmas" or "I love you". It's no wonder I have difficulties with close relationships. I have a natural instinct to love and care, but I have a difficult time expressing that love. I'm always putting up a wall when I get overwhelmed. I was told that putting up the wall when I was a child was a way for me to handle all of the pain. As an adult, I no longer need to put up the wall. It was a good way to cope when I was a kid, but it's the wrong way to cope as an adult.

LESSON 13—BREAK DOWN THE WALLS OF RESISTANCE AND FACE EACH PROBLEM IN LIFE HEAD ON. DENIAL DOES NOT MAKE YOUR PROBLEMS GO AWAY.

All in all, I learned a lot from my father, what I should do and what I shouldn't. As time went on, he became a different man. He became calm, kind, funny and still filled with great stories of wisdom. He also went through the death of a son, his wife's diagnosis with esophageal cancer, and then his own diagnosis with colon cancer.

Since my brother died in 1992 at the age of 27, my father hadn't been the same. Like any parent who lost a child, he suffered daily. He would go to the cemetery every single day for years after Sudsy died, just to sit there by the grave and water the grass. He would bring his own chair and hose, and just sit. You couldn't find a prettier gravesite in the entire cemetery. The grass was like a golf green, and he changed the flowers monthly.

LESSON 14—DO FOR AND LOVE PEOPLE WHILE THEY ARE ALIVE. WATERING THE GRASS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS MUCH LESS PAINFUL THAN WATERING THE GRASS OF A GRAVE.

He consequently went through a very painful bout with colon cancer that spread to his liver. He endured operations, chemotherapy, hours of doctor visits, and a heart attack in the same period. Then he waited to die. He was in horrific pain up to the very last minute. I can't help but think that it didn't have to be like that.

LESSON 15—LIFE'S NOT FAIR.

Chapter Four

My adolescence would have been nothing but pure misery if it hadn't been for my first wife and best friend since sixth grade, Mary Anne. Sure, I had my grandparents living next door, and they did make a difference, but there's something about a non-family member from the opposite sex giving you attention and love that changes everything.

Today, Mary Anne and I are friends, but we'd both tell you that we were simply not compatible. Well, we were when we were kids, but with age, we grew apart. Still, as a kid with issues such as I had, Mare (as I called her then) was my saving grace.

The very first day I met her I was smitten. I was 12, and the neighborhood kids were playing football on a local vacant lot we all called "The Field". The boys and girls all played together no matter what the sport was. My friends from Forest Street brought their cousin from out of town to play along. One look at her and I just melted.

I remember making a wisecrack about her height because she was so short. It was my way of getting her attention by acting cool. I probably started off on the wrong foot because, as I recall, she retorted with a nasty comment about my acne. I believe she called me "Raw hamburger face". Looking back, I obviously deserved what I got, and believe me, I was quite embarrassed.

LESSON 16—IF YOU WANT SOMEONE'S ATTENTION AND AFFECTION, BEING SWEET BEATS BEING COOL EVERYTIME.

We got over our first meeting, and somehow she seemed to like me. I would only see her periodically at her cousin's house, and I naturally wanted to impress her. I remember one day my brother Ray purchased a pair of sneakers for me from Thom McCann Shoe store for ninety-nine cents. He was so happy that he found such a good deal. These were the ugliest sneakers you ever saw, but I wore them around the neighborhood so my brother wouldn't be offended.

I went to Mare's cousin's house to see her this one time, and boy did she look pretty. As I was showing off to her, she kept looking down at my shoes, then looking at me with this weird face as if to say, "What the hell is your problem?" I just knew she was about to bust on my new sneakers. At that point, I had to make a decision. Leave the ugly sneakers on and spare my brother's feelings, or go home and change in order to salvage some of my dignity with this girl. Well, my dignity outweighed my feelings for my brother this time. After changing back into my regular sneakers, I went back to see Mare with all the confidence in the world. It wasn't until after we were married that I mentioned this incident to her, and she told me that she remembered it as well, but it wasn't the sneakers she thought were weird, it was my "flood" pants! So I went the entire time thinking everything was great after getting those ugly sneakers out of my life without knowing it was my pants that turned her off!

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Choices We Make Dictate The Life We Leadby Eric M. Daniels Copyright © 2012 by Eric M. Daniels. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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