Everyone faces challenges at some time, but some are everywoman's nightmare. Losing a marriage, home or business can seem insurmountable. So does coping with the death of a beloved spouse or facing cancer. Portrayed in this book are courageous women who h

Bootstraps

How Women Pull Themselves Up Through Tough TimesBy Lorene Burkhart

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Lorene Burkhart
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-2129-7

Contents

Introduction..................................................................viiPreface.......................................................................ixChapter 1 The "Happily-Ever-After" Myth......................................1How Did We Become the Way We Are?.............................................1The 1950s Girls...............................................................4My Story......................................................................7Boot Kickers—Old Boots!.................................................10Chapter 2 Surviving a Husband's Death........................................11Brave to the End..............................................................13He Taught Me So Much..........................................................15Loss, Then Acceptance.........................................................18Boot Kickers—The Boots Hurt.............................................21Chapter 3 No One Plans a Divorce.............................................22Infidelity Strikes the Final Blow.............................................24He's Doing What?..............................................................27Marriage is Maybe.............................................................30Abuse Takes its Toll..........................................................32Boot Kickers—When Your Boots Take a Beating.............................36Chapter 4 Single or Not......................................................37Remarry?......................................................................39Is it Worth it?...............................................................42Boot Kickers—Trading Old Boots..........................................45Chapter 5 When Our World Crumbles............................................47Her World Crumbled When She Lost Her Job and Home.............................49Her World Crumbled When She Lost it All.......................................53Her World Crumbled when She Lost Her Company..................................57Boot Kickers—Boots for Digging in (and Digging out).....................60Chapter 6 What Do You Mean, I have Cancer?...................................61Overcoming Ovarian Cancer.....................................................65A Mother and Her Son Both Survive Breast Cancer...............................72Refusing to Let Cancer Claim Her Voice or Her Life............................75Boot Kickers—Boots Restoration..........................................80Chapter 7 Reclaiming Our Lives...............................................82Drugs, Prison, and Redemption.................................................83Bariatric Surgery to Gain Back a Life.........................................89Boot Kickers—Getting Back Our Boots.....................................93Chapter 8 When Women Come Together...........................................94For Friendship................................................................94To Solve Problems—Taking Back the Mountain..............................96To Use Our Talents—The Women of Gee's Bend..............................104Boot Kickers—Every Pair of Boots Counts.................................107Chapter 9 When it's All Said and Done........................................109Look at Yourself..............................................................109How Did I Get Here?...........................................................110It's Never Too Late...........................................................113Who am I Now?.................................................................115Boot Kickers—Buried With Her Boots On!..................................117Afterword.....................................................................119Lorene's Advice...............................................................119What I've Learned.............................................................121Lessons Learned...............................................................121Girlfriends Fill in the Gaps..................................................122Alternative Journaling 101....................................................123Endnotes......................................................................127

Chapter One

The "Happily-Ever-After" Myth

How Did We Become the Way We Are?

When I was a little girl, life was truly a bowl of cherries. Each cherry in the bowl was perfect and delicious in my tiny world. My bed was warm and comfy. My meals were prepared by loving hands. No one molested or hurt me, nor did I have need to feel concern for my safety. Trust in my small universe was validated. My entire family—my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins—cared about the well-being of each person in the family. My brothers and I knew the rules of our household and we obeyed them (most of the time). We attended church every Sunday, without question. Our rural school and the school bus that took us there were safe. Teachers knew our family, and the school bus driver was our nearest neighbor. Despite my mother's busy life as a farm wife—her responsibilities included care of a brood of chickens, large garden, household, and family—she found time to make her little girl's dresses, as well as her own. But life was good. Sure, my brothers picked on me and I had to clean my plate. There were probably a few boo-hoos and some scratches and scrapes, too.

Because children "know only what they know," it never occurred to me that my family life was any different from anyone else's. We become who we are because of our environment, but many other factors that we individually do not initiate or have any influence over are also at work. Yes, they are the most important determinates of our lives. When I name them, you will realize these as "givens."

1. Where you were born. Large city or small town; America or foreign country; affluent, middle, or lower class; and your ethnicity. All of these have a tremendous influence in your life. I was a rural American.

2. When you were born. You may not believe in astrology (I'm a Cancer born in July), but the era and events surrounding the date of your birth definitely influence your life. For instance, I was born in 1934 during the latter part of the Great Depression. Therefore, I was a child during World War II. Our family, like everyone else, suffered during the depression. A Depression attitude hung over our heads, limiting all choices. We were gaining momentum financially by 1941, when I was seven years old. But the war changed everything again. The Depression had created one type of insecurity and fear but the war created another. A real sense of danger surrounded us, even though the fighting was overseas. A large air base was located within 15 miles of our rural home and soldiers swarmed into the nearest town—"our" town. The presence of uniforms was frightening, even if they weren't the enemy. We often heard the roar of a squadron of planes overhead and ran outside to count them. A couple of years after the beginning of the war, German prisoners of war were kept at the base near us. It was thrilling but scary to actually see them when they were transported in guarded military trucks to work as farm laborers picking tomatoes on our farm. Scarcity was also part of our daily lives as we learned to live with the rationing and lack of essentials. All of these events have helped mold my life.

3. Who your parents are. Like where and when, you also had no say in choosing your parents. If quite young when you were born, they probably faced struggles that might not have been present with older parents. Conversely, if you were a late-in-life baby, you probably had a different up-bringing than with very young parents. Other familial considerations included, for instance, if drugs and alcohol were used or if significant genetic health issues were present.

4. How you look. Of course, how you look is a hand-me-down as well. You may have your mother's blue eyes but your father's dark hair. Or you may have the body build of one parent but not the other. Surprisingly, my younger brother and I both inherited the tall, slender build of my mother's cousins, but not her shorter, stockier build.

5. Your birth order. While you may not agree with research on how birth order creates certain behaviors, we have to admit some validating evidence for the idea. If you were the oldest, you probably shouldered more responsibility than the youngest in your family. If the middle child, life was different for you than if the first or last. As an only child, you definitely had different issues than a child from a family of four. Our family of four children was spaced in a way that created unusual relationships. My oldest brother was six when the next son was born, so he lived an only-child life until he started school. The next son was nearly five when I was born. I was the only daughter. Another son entered the family when I was 18 months old. Not surprisingly, the two older boys had totally different family experiences.

6. Your basic intelligence. Some may debate its relevance, but it is a fact that we are born with certain capabilities. There are always unexplainable exceptions, such as a genius born to normal or less-intelligent parents, but, on the whole, we see ourselves as comparable to someone in our family. However, we love the stories of child prodigies or the child who achieves unusual success. Somehow DNA goes its own way!

7. Your basic personality. Unfortunately, funny or sullen, quiet or boisterous, intellectual or carefree, positive or negative may have been dumped on you during gestation. We do know that we can change the direction somewhat, but the basic tendency is probably lurking at the edges. Isn't it amazing to think we are in control when we are already six steps behind? The wonderful thing about life is how we can take those givens and build on them. Oh, we can't change our height or our eye color, and we may never be classified as a genius. But we can create, more or less, for ourselves.

My limited "picture" was no doubt typical of other girls of my era. The adults in our lives cared for our daily needs, keeping us fed and in clean clothes, but I doubt if they spent much time thinking about our futures. I don't recall my girlfriends and me talking about our futures either, other than planning to further our educations. At the time, girls were expected to marry and be stay-at-home mothers. The concept of careers for women had not yet been born. The only women I knew who worked outside the home were teachers, retail clerks, or home demonstration agents (women who worked for the county extension service). Therefore, I aspired to be a home economics teacher. My father told me that I should be prepared to work in case something happened to my husband. That was my preparation for the future. Oh, did I mention that I also knew how to cook, sew, clean the house, iron my brothers' shirts, feed the chickens, and manage the household? All of this was accomplished before my sixteenth birthday. Equipped with these skills, I thought I was prepared to handle the purely practical aspect of adult life. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't necessarily prepared for the emotional upheavals of the future. But can anything really prepare us for that?

The 1950s Girls

"Why didn't anyone tell us the idea that we would marry, have children, and live happily ever after was a myth?" asked my high-school classmates at a recent reunion. Here we were—Donna, Rita, Nora, and myself—four of us who graduated together in 1952. I had not seen Rita since that time. Imagine the moment when she approached me at the airport and we reunited. I've been told that anyone would recognize me from any year and sure enough, she did. It was so good to see her. Within a couple of hours a third classmate joined us, and finally the fourth of our former pals arrived. I had stayed in touch with Donna and Nora, but not Rita. We had a lot of catching up to do.

As we became reacquainted, we discovered several similarities in our lives. We were the only four who attained higher education from our small high school graduating class of nineteen. Two of us graduated from four-year state universities, while the other two attended nursing schools and worked in nursing for several years. I became a teacher, and the fourth friend, a librarian. How typical of that era! Three of us married by the age of twenty-one, the fourth in her late twenties. We each had two to four children. Three of us, who married at a very young age, were divorced.

Donna, one of my '50s pals, grew up on a farm only a mile or so from the tiny town where the twelve-year public school for the township was located. She was the oldest child in a family of three daughters and one son. A curly haired blonde beauty, she was as smart as she was pretty. She experienced issues in her young life, but they were just feelings of "first child blues" when siblings come along quickly. Fortunately, her parents were well read and interested in a larger world beyond the borders of their little hometown. She did well throughout her 12 years of grade and high school. Then, the smart, blonde beauty enrolled in the state university in her area. She lived on campus where she met her future husband, John, a young man who aspired to be an oceanographer. They married before graduation and after graduation departed for California where he pursued a PhD. She worked until their first child was born. By the time John's career began, they'd had four children in less than five years. He accepted a position to establish the Oceanography Department at a university located in a Canadian province on the ocean. The town offered enough amenities to make life interesting.

Donna knew John was having affairs even before they moved—the first one when she was pregnant with their fourth child. Feeling hopeless and isolated, she decided that going it alone was not an option, so she stayed with him.

When all of the children were in school, Donna began to develop her own life, becoming involved in local government and civic issues. It was empowering for her to have her own friends and interests, as well as additional income.

During John's professional life, he was granted two one-year sabbaticals to pursue studies elsewhere. Both took place in Monaco, so the family moved there and the children learned French while attending local schools. Donna loved these adventures, as did the entire family. Back home, however, the affairs continued until finally, after 30 years of marriage, she pulled the plug. Their four children were now either in college or already graduated. Without significant assets to divide, it was necessary for her to earn a living.

In her usual offbeat, creative way of solving problems, Donna became a companion to a wealthy elderly woman. During this time, they spent winters in luxurious resort areas.

When time to find other employment, Donna became a tour guide. Her longstanding interest in history and her ability to organize and coordinate the activities of bus groups provided a track record of ten years meeting new people and seeing new places.

No one predicted that this sheltered, small-town 1950s girl would lead such an interesting, worldly life. Her children were well educated—two with master's degrees, one PhD, and a chef. Two followed in their father's scientific footsteps, while the other two followed creative interests.

Now, at the age of 77, Donna is a happy Canadian who continues to live in the ocean town where her children grew up. With an inheritance from her parents' estate, she is able to continue her travels and her many interests. She never had another relationship because, as she said, "betrayal closed her need to try again."

Of the two other 1950s pals (who obtained nursing degrees), one lived a story similar to Donna's. Married at age 20, Rita moved out of the country while her husband served in the military.

Stationed in Germany, they traveled extensively throughout Europe. Upon their return to the States, she worked part-time as a nurse while raising three children. Her husband began accumulating debt. After 30 years of a combative marriage, she divorced him, using her small inheritance to pay the debt and begin single life as a contract nurse in cardiac critical care. Through a nursing magazine, she located an agency offering an employment service. Each assignment lasted several months in locations that took her to such places as Anchorage, Louisville, New Orleans, and Las Vegas. She was licensed to practice nursing in ten states.

Donna's children all attended college, and now live in areas that provide fun visits. After retiring from her career, she met a man whom she has lived with for 15 years. "Never," she says, "is marriage an option. I will never be married again."

The other nurse of the group, Nora, was the last to marry. In her late 20s she met a man while working in Florida. They married and subsequently moved to Washington state. Bill was a successful money manager. They lived a luxurious life, and had three children—two of which were twins—all in diapers at the same time.

Bill was very domineering so she was his "all-purpose wife," taking care of everything while he pursued his career. They traveled abroad extensively; she traveled occasionally on her own.

Then tragedy struck. Nora's husband suffered an incapacitating stroke while only in his 50s. He survived. For the past 20 years, she has cared for him. During this time, he managed to lose most of their assets because he thought he was still capable of handling their investments, but wasn't. Now, at age 77, she works as a companion to elderly individuals in her upscale community back in Florida. Ironically, the only one of the four friends who hasn't divorced has had, by far, the most difficult life. Nora is fortunate that one of her sons lives nearby and helps her.

There are many similarities within this group of gals. We all came from a German heritage (not uncommon in our area). Three grew up in a family of four children, one as the oldest and the other two as middle children. The fourth was an only child. Family finances were not plentiful, but were never a deterrent in any of our lives. We attended the same classes in high school, ranked in the top ten of our class, participated in 4-H during the summer, and had high school boyfriends. We never talked about long-term futures because we all expected to live "the marriage myth"—happily ever after.

Of the 19 in our high school graduating class, we were the only girls who divorced, lived in remote areas, traveled, and pursued careers. Perhaps we can surmise that the pursuit of higher education opened the barn door and the animals ran out. Maybe our education offered more options and we understood that the world extended far beyond the farms that surrounded us in our growing up years.

My Story

My exposure to a bigger future was much greater than my friends'. My father was a part-time farmer who kept us on the farm while he moved up through the ranks of agriculture-related organizations. His last job was one that had the most impact on everyone in my family. When I was sixteen years old, he was nominated by President Harry Truman to be Undersecretary of Agriculture. But even with the ambitious, successful father at my periphery, I, too, married at age 21, then graduated from college. My choice (actually, my second choice since my first choice and I never made it to the altar) for a husband was smart, good looking, and personable. He was a year older than I, and had just graduated from college when we married.

Like most women of my era who married in their early 20s, I believed in the happily-ever-after myth. I never really thought about the inner workings of a marriage. Instead I fantasized about planning my wedding and having children. I never thought about whether or not I'd actually be happy in my marriage. Couples I knew seemed to tolerate each other, but I never saw many partners try to help the other person be happy.

Even though my father wasn't on-site, I saw that he bought my mother gifts and took her on a vacation every year. Vacations for farm families were as uncommon as careers were for women. I also saw my parents share physical affection. My father hugged and kissed my mother, usually a hello or good-bye. The more I reflect on my parents' marriage, the more I realize it wasn't a very good example of a solid marriage because he was seldom around. Maybe that's why three out of four of their children divorced, while the fourth would hardly win a prize for fidelity.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Bootstrapsby Lorene Burkhart Copyright © 2012 by Lorene Burkhart. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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