Fatherhood Defined

"As fathers, we need to be involved in our children's lives not just when it's convenient or easy, and not just when they're doing well — but when it's difficult and thankless, and they're struggling. That is when they need us most."

President Barack Obama, 2009

According to the U.S. Census Bureau (2009) sixty-four percent of African American children live in homes in which a father is not present. The National Fatherhood Initiative was developed to facilitate and encourage responsible fatherhood. Many fathers are not engaged in the day to day activities of their children. Nevertheless, fathers play a crucial role in the lives of their children through their contributions of human, social, and financial capital. Since becoming President in 2008, Barack Obama has consistently promoted the importance of father involvement. The President has called on men to play an active role in the lives of their children. Recognizing that families in vulnerable communities are at a greater risk for father absence, President Obama has called on these men to remain present in the lives of their children. As a resident and involved father, President Obama serves as an example that fathers can be present in the lives of their children. As President Obama delivered his Father's Day church message in 2008, wife Michelle and daughters Malia and Sasha sat nearby in the pew. During his massage, Obama told of how his own father abandoned him. His experience growing up without his biological father, made him determined to break the cycle and be there for his children.

We know that positive images of black fathers are rarely displayed on television, in film, or even in newspapers -- though there are men that are raising their children as all fathers should. If you look closely, you will see men at the barbershop with their son. If you look closely, you will see a father and his child in a restaurant in the midst of a deep conversation. If you look closely, you will see fathers taking their sons to football practice and standing on the sidelines at the football games. If you look closely, you will even see fathers walking into a movie theater with their child to catch a Saturday matinee. You will have to look closely to notice those images. The reason that you have to look closely is because they are very few of those scenes around you at any given time or date.

Despite the enormous progress into the middle class that African Americans have made in the last 40 years, more than half of all black children live in fatherless households -- a devastating number by any measure. So who could argue with Obama's call for examination, for rising above the struggle, for restoring the framework for family? The largest geographic area of sustained fatherlessness contains the rural, largely black poor across Arkansas, Mississippi and Louisiana, tributaries of broken homes running 400 miles along the Mississippi River from Memphis, Tenn., where in some neighborhoods 82 percent of children live with their mothers alone, to Baton Rouge, La., where less than 20% of children have both parents at home.

Not only are fathers critical to the healthy development of all Children, but the relationship between father involvement and the positive development of boys is also clear. Howard and colleagues found that father involvement is associated with increased math and reading scores in African American males compared to African American girls. Apparently, boys need their fathers in their lives to succeed in more areas than their gender development.

Research on fathers clearly demonstrates the significance of positive father involvement. What does it mean to be a positively involved father? According to Pleck, positive paternal involvement means "high engagement, accessibility, and responsibility." Likewise, father involvement means that a father spends quality time with his children all the while sending a clear message to the children that he values the relationship. Active parental involvement on the part of fathers also teaches children the value of commitment, consistency and responsibility. In general, research states that children who have positively involved fathers tend to do better socially, emotionally, and academically than children whose fathers are not positively involved.

I conducted interviews with three African American men to explore their perspective of fatherhood.

Good Fathering

Good fathering consists of a few different elements that enable secure parental relationships and healthy development for the child. It's not enough to just provide financially for the child or to just show up physically, fathering requires a level of commitment that encompasses various elements. It includes involvement with the child, nurturing behavior, responsibility and consistency in these areas.

Good fathering consists of involvement in the life or lives of a child. Involvement may consist of coaching a child's football team, helping a child with their math homework, going to eat fast food together, assisting with potty training, reading to a child, tucking a child in at night, taking a child to the mall, playing with a child, or simply being accessible. Children's lives provide fathers numerous opportunities for involvement.

Good fathering consists of consistency. Responsible fatherhood is rooted in consistency and trust. Responsible fathers can build a trusting relationship with their children by providing consistent encouragement, nurturing, feedback and a sense of protection. A consistent father will prove to his children that he is available in the good and bad times, and it is this reliability that serves as the foundation for the child's self-esteem.

Good fathering consists of nurturing. A male nurturing parent is a man who spends attentive, loving, extended time with his child or children daily, connecting with them emotionally, seeing the world through their eyes, teaching them, and feeling, at times, the delight that selfless nurturing can give. Fathers also play a critical role in the nurturing of their children by providing reliable, responsible and loving care that meets their emotional and social needs.

Good fathering consists of responsibility. Responsible fathers know their children. They show a genuine interest in the child's physical, emotional and psychological needs. This type of responsibility also requires active involvement on the part of the father starting at birth. Good fathers take time out of their busy schedules to get to know their children.

Not all fathers are created equal. If you live with or are married to the father of your child or children, then parenting may be an issue. If you don't live with, were married to, or were never married to the father, then co-parenting is the issue that might be a concern. The parenting style of choice for one father may not be the parenting style of another father.

We've all seen different types of fathers in our lives. We've seen dad's range from good to great, old to young and from rich to poor. However, there are universal criteria that we can use to categorize all types of fathers.

Many of the standards that we use to define fatherhood are based on more traditional perceptions of fatherhood. The traditional types of fathers are described below.

Here are the three basic types of Dads. –

1. The Involved dad

This is the dad who is really present for his child physically, emotionally and spiritually. He tucks his children into bed, reads to them, shows up at the games and helps plan the birthday parties. Involved fathers are intentional in bringing the best out in their children. This type of father recognizes that he is not raising children, he is raising adults. One day this child will be an adult and so he prepares them to be on their own one day. An involved dad understands that his lifestyle must be consistent with his message to his children.

2. The Indulgent dad

His top priority is to make sure the kids enjoy spending time with him and he's not above bribing and spoiling them to get his way. It's not easy working with an ex-partner who lets the kids do whatever they want, especially if they begin to think that you're too strict of a disciplinarian. The issues involved with this parent revolve around consistency of routine, values and behaviors.

3. Absent dad, also known as one who suffers from "Baby Daddy Disorder"

Absentee fathers-these are the fathers who delegate the raising of their children to other people, whether it is other children, other relatives, or nannies. There are fathers who are so overwhelmed by their lives that they are either unable or unwilling to assume their parental responsibilities. Many fathers are in love with the theory of parenthood without realizing that the daily responsibilities of parenthood are vastly different than its theoretical aspects. Absentee fathers fall into every family size, educational, and socioeconomic categories. Absentee fathers are more in love with the theory of parenthood than its actuality

Many absentee fathers leave the raising of their children to other members in the family especially if they have mental/ psychological problems, substance abuse problems, and/or have large to very large families. Younger absentee fathers often have their parents and/or older relatives raise their children because they are not developmentally equipped to raise their children. In more socioeconomically affluent households, many parents leave the raising of their children to paid nannies and au pairs in order to completely devote their lives to their careers or to other cultural, intellectual, or cultural pursuit. While different, this is still absentee parenting because parents aren't consistently involved in the day to day operations of parenting.

A father who, as a result of divorce or for other reasons, has little or no contact with his children is considered an absent dad. This type of dad is either inconsistently around or not around at all. Fathers who do not live with their children are at a disadvantage to be available to nurture, guide, and provide for their children. However, it is still possible to make oneself available.

To all of the mothers reading this book let me be very clear, it is still very possible for fathers to remain consistently involved with their children. With the technological advances, it is possible to call, text, email and Face Time or Skype from anywhere in the world. Thus, it is NO excuse for a father not having contact with his child or children. No doubt, divorced fathers or those who live apart from their children can still play an important role to help their children grow as long as they have regular and consistent contact, provide practical guidance and act as a positive role model.

A man who suffers from Baby Daddy Disorder is an absentee father as outlined above. A man suffering from Baby Daddy Disorder can live in your house or another house in another city. The thoughts, behaviors and actions are the same regardless of their residence.

Ladies, do you know a man that is an absentee father? Do you know someone who suffers from this disorder? You might be friends with a man that just can't seem to consistently take care of his children. Are you in relationship with someone that suffers from this disorder? You might be living with a man that has not made his children a priority in his life because he continues to focus on himself. Does your father suffer from this disorder? Perhaps your own father failed to have a relationship with you because he could not get along with you mother. Does the father of your child or children suffer from this disorder? Do you have children with a man so emotionally or psychologically incompetent that he can't even begin to value fatherhood? Is this person more concerned with the latest sneakers, jeans and cars, and not your children's homework, self-esteem and happiness? Or is the person suffering from Baby Daddy Disorder you?

What is Baby Daddy Disorder?

"I would spend more time with my daughter if her mother was nice to me."

Anonymous patient

Given the three types of traditional fathers that were mentioned above, perhaps BDD is simply a type of non-traditional type of fathering. Fathers who were incarcerated or those who don't identify as straight are also types of non-traditional fathers. What does their reality look like? Or those fathers who adopt, or are sperm donors? Or the father of mix-race children who now have to navigate a tricky post racial landscape? There are various types of non-traditional fathers that we could explore, but for now, let's take a closer look at the features associated with Baby Daddy Disorder.

Features

Baby Daddy Disorder is a pattern of behavior that is experienced by some men who have demonstrated that they are not active in the parenting of their children. This disorder is not listed in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, abbreviated as DSM-5. This is the book used by the American Psychiatric Association's (APA). In the United States the DSM serves as a universal authority for psychiatric diagnosis. Nonetheless, if the rate of absentee fathers continues to grow exponentially, it could very well be listed in the future.

The essential feature of Baby Daddy Disorder is a pattern of inconsistency, failure to prioritize, and lack of participation in fatherhood. This pattern is present in a variety of contexts. Baby Daddy Disorder reflects the belief that while I realize that I am a father, the physical, emotional and financial responsibilities that go along with fatherhood are OPTIONS for me, as opposed to requirements. The term daddy represents that closeness for which many men feel about their own fathers, but it also represents that bare minimum of involvement for male parents. Being a "baby daddy" is cheap and easy, and reduces men to their physical capacity to procreate. The term "father" however, is loaded with respect and responsibility.

Any description of Baby Daddy Disorder needs only to discuss the episode from Iyanla Vanzant's "Fix My Life: that profiled Jay an African American man that has fathered 34 kids by 17 different women. In the first two parts, Iyanla has talked to Jay's parents, his oldest children and the mothers that weren't too embarrassed to appear on TV.

Jay Williams, is an Atlanta-based video producer, he indicates that he still wants to get married and have a normal family with one woman. That lady might want a child, so he's not getting a vasectomy. Sadly, there is always some woman thinking that she is the one he'll be faithful to, and her children are the ones he will be an actual father to. The only thing more disheartening than a man creating 34 children was seeing women still willing to fight over him. They argued about things such as who Jay was with first, and who knew when someone else was dating him. It's a horrible display of dysfunctional thinking that involves 34 offspring.

When Iyanla sits down with Jay, the biological father of 34 children, she asks him to hold as many baby dolls as he can to feel the weight of what he's created. With 14 dolls piled on his lap, Iyanla asks Jay whether he ever thought he had had enough children—or whether he ever considered a vasectomy. "No," he says. "I don't have a problem with what I created."

At some point during the first episode, Jay begins to get tired of holding the dolls and begins to put them down in the seat next to him, Iyanla hands the dolls right back to him and states "As a mom, I don't get not to take care of my children, no matter what I'm thinking or feeling," she says. "I didn't get to just put them down because it was inconvenient." Jay is a prime example of a man who suffers from Baby Daddy Disorder. He sees fatherhood as a choice, whereas a Father sees fatherhood as an obligation, honor and responsibility.