The Craft of Writing

Put Your Best Prose Forward

Jane Toombs and Janet Lane Walters

The last word of the story has been typed. As the author, feeling a rush of accomplishment, you're ready to send the manuscript to an editor or an agent. Or are you? A final check will make sure the prose shines bright enough to spark the agent or editor into enthusiasm for your project.

You may be fortunate enough to have a critique partner or a group who can point out the flaws. What if you don't have these resources? This was our primary reason for writing Becoming Your Own Critique Partner from Zumaya Books. Summarizing our entire book into a single chapter is impossible, but here are a number of steps you can take to make sure you've put your best prose forward.

The reader's interest must be captured from the first word. This interest must be held through the middle to the end. But if the opening chapter doesn't intrigue the editor, agent or reader, a meaty middle or a dynamic ending won't matter. Here are some ways to check the first chapter to make sure of that interest.

1. Do you have your main character or characters in trouble of some kind right away, or make it clear one or both might be headed for trouble? You'd better!

Does this mean you have to have a slam-bang opening with action galore? Not really. A sense of danger or a hint of a problem will pull the reader into the story. Be warned, though: If the opening is too exciting, keeping up the pace may prove impossible. Here's an example of an opening with a promise of something to come.

"A flash of lightning brightened the sleeping chamber. Ash woke with a start and burrowed into the pillows. The scent of trouble rode the air currents that threaded through the open window slats."

Here's an opening that begins with a mixture of mystery and excitement.

"He floated in darkness, the tiny flame of his awareness the only light in the Stygian gloom. The flame flickered, fading, he had no will to keep it aglow. As he drifted closer to the dark shore of no return, a beam of blue energy seared across the blackness. Drawn to the power, his life force flared anew, growing as it fed on the surging fountain of energy."

2. Do you have a lot of backstory at the beginning? Take it out and drop it in later in dribs and drabs when necessary. Just not a chunk of it in Chapter 2, or you may stop the action cold. Never do that.

Often writers use backstory as their way of learning who their characters are and how they react. This information is needed by the author, but not the reader. Readers don't need to know much about a main character's past right away. Only when some such information affects the present action does the writer need to drop that tidbit into the story.

For example: when Mary was three, she was locked in a closet by her older brother. If nothing in the present story makes this incident from the past have an effect on what's happening to her now, there's no reason to mention this. But if Mary has to hide in a dark place during the story, how she reacts may be governed by the incident from her past. Then and there the reader needs to know.

Another example: The main character in Under The Shadow wakes injured on a California beach during gold-rush days. He doesn't know who he is, where he is, or how he got there. So he has no past. Neither he, nor the reader learns anything about his past until an injury halfway through the book restores his memory. So there is no back story at all until that point. Even then, a flashback shows (not tells) where he came from. Then he's immediately thrust into action with no huge chunk of back history dropped in.

3. Is it clear where and when the action is taking place? That is, do readers know by the second page where in the world (or galaxy) they are? If not a contemporary story, do they know what year it is? See that you tell them in some way where and when they are. Do remember that just mentioning a local landmark is not telling a reader from another part of the country or world where the story is set. Of course if you use the Empire State Building that is enough of a landmark so most readers will recognize where they are. Is it day or night? Hot or cold? Indoors or out? Readers need to know.

One way of letting the reader know where or when is to state it at the opening of the chapter. For example. "Dover England, August 1811." This will show where and when, but there are other ways of weaving the place and time into the story.

"The sun rose above the distant hills. The August day promised to be a scorcher. Once again she had come to the Dover docks. For a moment, she felt a chill and wished she'd worn a pelisse."

This example shows much of the same information as given in the dateline but draws the reader into the story.

"The palace of the wizards rose on the horizon. The setting sun colored the crystal spheres in iridescent rainbows."

Here the sample shows we are in a different world and the time is evening.

"Andrea Sullivan skirted a small stand of pine and stopped, staring at strangely familiar ivy-covered ruins dead ahead. She'd never set foot in Gatineau Park before — or Quebec Province for that matter — but Sherri's long ago description of the McKenzie King ruins had proved to be marvelously accurate."

In the above example Canada is not mentioned, but the reader picks up the clue from "Quebec Province." Since no date is mentioned, the reader assumes it's contemporary, which is well established as the chapter goes on.

4. Do you have talking heads? Readers need to see characters in some kind of surroundings and performing actions that give clues to their nature. Be sure they do.

Long passages of dialogue with no action or sense of place are fine in a movie or a play. In those forms there are visual components. In a book the writer needs to show the reader who is speaking, show where they are, and by their actions give a hint to the kind of person they are.

5. Are you positive of the meanings of all your words? Have you loaded the chapter with ing words, ly adverbs and too many adjectives? If so, rewrite without them. Are you sure you know the difference between words such as affect and effect? Are you positive it's means it is and its is a possessive? Are you sure you haven't mistyped a word, such as loin for lion?

Using ing words, or adverbs and adjectives isn't wrong but they can muddy the prose or throw your words into a whirlpool pattern. Do vary your sentence structure. Try not to fall into a predictable pattern such as the one below.

Example: "Standing on the pier, she stared at the rushing waves. Waiting for her first sight of the ship, she sighed. Hoping he would arrive this time."

After a while this kind of pattern can cause the reader to fall asleep.

Adverbs, especially ly ones are often used in tag lines. Don't.

"In your dreams," she said laughingly. Poor She laughed. "In your dreams." Better.

"Shut up and get out," he said harshly. Poor.

"Shut up and get out." His harsh voice rasped the words. Better

Another problem is strings of adjectives.

She saw a tall, broad-shouldered, dark, curly haired, green-eyed man. Poor

She saw a tall green-eyed man. To add to his attractiveness he had an athletic build and dark curls. Better.

Try not to throw in the entire description with one adjective after another instead of sprinkling the prose into the description.

6. Do you ever have the heroine running her fingers through her long blonde wavy hair? Please don't. Unless you're really unusual, YOU never think of the color of your hair or whether it's curly or straight when you run your fingers through it. Neither should she.

Any description of a character is best coming from another character's observation. Or the character can think something similar to this: Shannon ran her fingers through her hair, wishing for nth time it was long and blonde and straight instead of a frizzy mass of red curls.

7. Have you done a search and find on all those plaguey little words that creep in unnecessarily? Words such as: it, that, almost, very, just, thing, then, finally, suddenly, seem and seemed — to mention some of them. If so, have you found a way to eliminate a good many of them? A bit of rewording usually allows you to do this.

Very tends to sneak in without us noticing.

She was very angry. Poor Fury gripped her. Better The vase was very unique. Wrong. The vase was unique. Correct. Unique means one of a kind, so adding very to it accomplishes nothing.

Words such as it, thing, that, something, somewhere are vague and don't add to the story. Example:

"What is it?" She pointed to the thing in the corner. "You know that one. It's something I've seen somewhere."

Instead, try:

"I can't make out what that strange spiked object is." She pointed to a corner. "I might have seen one in a museum once, but don't recall the name."

8. Do you try to make things simple for readers? Easy to understand? Without, of course, using clichés. Never paint a picture so confusing the reader has to stop to figure out what you mean. This might accomplish something you'll regret. The reader may be jerked out of the story and decide not to return.

Example: "The moon rose, so bright a yellow it resembled a gigantic round lemon hanging from the tree of the sky." This is unusual enough to make a reader pause to think that lemons aren't round and the sky isn't anything like a tree. Many readers are literal-minded. Don't confuse them.

9. Are you sure of your dialogue punctuation? Are you certain you haven't used laughing, smiling, or snorting, etc. as tags? While characters can do all of these things, they can't do any of them while speaking.

"Where are you going," Mary smiled. Wrong. Mary smiled. "Where are you going?" Correct.

Another kind of tag can cause amusement such as hissed. If there aren't a lot of esses in the dialogue, hissing is hard to do unless the character has a speech impediment.

"Sam, you're nothing but a cobra," she hissed. Wrong "Sam's a slimy snake," she hissed. Passable.

10. Is your point of view (POV) always clear, so the reader knows which character is speaking?

Do you try to keep to one POV per scene? Or if a long scene and you switch, do you refrain from switching back? Do you, as the author intrude with your POV? Don't.

Some authors are able to switch POV with ease but with others the reader can feel as if a ping-pong match is occurring. The purpose of POV is dual. One is to help the reader identify with the character and the other is to give the reader insight into the character's nature. If POV shifts too often in a scene, the reader isn't sure who is the star of the scene.

Most of the aforementioned ten items that you should check when you edit your beginning, should also be applied to the rest of the manuscript. As you go on, you need to check this next list for other irregularities that may doom your writing.

Ten Irregularities of Doom

1. Editors believe readers do not like long paragraphs. Heed this and keep yours short. Part of the problem with lengthy stretches of prose is the purpose of the paragraph can be lost or muddied. Along with long paragraphs, there is the runaway sentence. While grammatically perfect, the phrases and clauses bury the point beneath a heap of verbiage.

2. Do the hero and heroine in your story have inner conflicts and outer conflicts that will hinder a relationship between them? Do the inner conflicts arise from their life experiences and how they feel about themselves? If not, why not? Neither inner nor outer conflicts should be trivial and thus easy to conquer.

An inner conflict should be strong enough to carry the plot throughout the story. If characters cannot grow enough to realize their inner conflict is keeping them from happiness and from what they really wish to accomplish, then they haven't reached their potential.

If you also have a villain, he or she needs inner and outer conflicts that may both speed and/or hinder the person from accomplishing his or her evil deeds.

Are your inner and outer conflicts for major characters real ones? Difficult to overcome? If not, the plot is weakened and readers may lose interest. Example of inner and outer conflicts:

Heroine: Twenty-five-year-old Elsa is a non-dominant identical twin. Her sister has directed all her life choices, sometimes against Elsa's own inclination, until her sister married and moved to China. Elsa's first on-her-own decision when she followed the advice of a devious man landed her in both trouble and danger. She's lucky to have survived. Now she's afraid to trust any man and determined to be her own decision-maker.

Hero: Mark, thirty-two, is an ex-Marine, used to making quick decisions. Sometimes too quick since they may affect other people.

So Elsa is not going to trust Mark and will have to learn that mutual decisions are possible. Mark has to learn to understand where Elsa is coming from and not try to run her life, even when he can see trouble ahead for her. He, too, has to learn to work on mutual decisions. These inner conflicts are complicated by an outer, dangerous conflict, where they're at odds.

Fred Martin is the villain in Obsessions by Janet Lane Walters (Hardshell Word Factory). His inner conflict is his love for his mother and his feelings for the heroine of the story. His mother died during a Code and he blames the nurses and doctors who were present for her death. He intends to punish them by killing them. But the heroine was his mother's favorite nurse. The outer conflict involves both the police and the heroine. How can he keep them from learning the deaths are connected before he achieves his goal?

3. As a resolution to outer conflict, have you wimped out? Have you used the old Greek deus ex machina — the just-in-time rescue by an outside force? If an outside force to rescue is used, make sure at least one of your main characters has created time for that force to arrive by some clever maneuver. Or maybe by overcoming an inner conflict or trait. Or both.

As an example, the villain in Obsessions has cornered the heroine after a chase through town. She has used her heavy stethoscope to break a window of a house where a party is in progress. This alerts the hero and the police. The villain finally catches the heroine on an overlook above the Hudson River as police sirens sound. She's the last of those who had been at his mother's Code. I won't give away the ending, but the event is played out step by step in short scenes using three POVs, hero's, heroine's and villain's.

4. Check for sections of telling, not showing, where it's important to show because otherwise you're cheating the reader. Rewrite to show. Don't forget telling can show up in dialogue as well as narration — as when one character tells another what they both already know. Sometimes you do have to tell. Be sure you know the difference between these times and when you should show. Think of the following example as being in the 1800s at an isolated farm. Emma is eighteen and Mary is eleven and they're alone at this farm.

Mary had never seen anyone in labor before and didn't know what to do. She'd heard you always boil water, so she went to the kitchen and put the kettle on.

Telling — and in the doing wimping out by omitting the birth scene. Compare with a longer treatment: Emma cried out and clutched her abdomen, grunting in pain. "Help me," she begged.

Mary stared at her in dismay. "What's wrong?" "Can't you see I'm having the baby now? Way ahead of time." Emma sobbed.

Mary wrung her hands. "I don't know what to do."

Emma grunted again and screamed.

Scared out of her wits, Mary ran from the room to the kitchen. The only thing she remembered about babies being born is hearing someone say you had to boil water. So she put the kettle on the stove, then covered her ears so as not to hear Emma screaming.

This shows what's happening instead of telling. It's easy to see which is more likely to grab a reader's attention

Also check for good balance between narration and dialogue and correct where necessary.

5. Check for spots where inadvertent POV changes may have been made. Don't forget that when the author sneaks in a POV of his or her own, that's usually a no-no. Rearrange wrong POVs.

Statements such as "If she had known" usually means author intrusion.

Or "Meanwhile, the folks on the farm were sitting down to dinner." Once again, the author has stepped in.

7. Is your black moment (crisis) really dark enough? When a character reaches this point in the story, he or she has to believe all is lost. He or she faces a dilemma where there seems to be no way out of the situation. The hero knows he can't have the heroine. He despairs. Try not to have the sort of ending to the black moment that is suddenly resolved. Play the moment to the full until the character realizes something has to change if he or she is to reach the goal.