CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

You all have purchased many Bridge Books and found most of themimpossible to use effectively. The most useful thing I did with one ofthem is when I killed an irritating fly at the Philadelphia Bridge NationalChampionship last year. Why is this bridge book different from all otherbridge books in the rest of the world? This sounds like the start of theSeder on Passover!

First because we will Pass Over (get it?.... Matzo, Jews, Sand, Moses,Red Sea.... you know) all the bridge hand examples and little testsand try to educate you to learn an easy, effective bridge bidding systemby yourself or with a willing, loving partner. Passover celebrates whenthe Jews were led out of Egypt by Moses. 5000 years ago the Jews didn'tplay bridge, eat Chinese food or have nose jobs for that matter. Theydidn't even have a bridge. If they did, Moses wouldn't have asked forGod's help to part the Red Sea; they would just have built a bridge andshortened the entire biblical story. I know those are different bridges!The Alterman Big Club will try to build a bridge from bridge to sex andfun. What Moses had was lots of people; all Jews, much like many bridgeclubs in Palm Beach County. Not all South Florida bridge players areJews, except in Palm Beach many are. In spite of the concentrated numberof Jews, it's pretty safe to play bridge in Palm Beach. Somehow you don'tsee a large number of terrorists playing bridge. I wonder why? Maybeit's the need for some terrorists to pray so oft en which would interruptfour hour bridge tournaments and long boring bridge lessons. Maybe it'sdifficult and uncomfortable sitting so long at bridge tables with bombsstrapped to your waist. Who knows? So we are dealing with a safe, sexysubject, bridge. Even though safe from terrorists, bridge and love forthat matter are dangerous battlefields containing mines, IEDs and otherbooby traps. The author has navigated these war zones for the last halfcentury providing innovative military solutions in Electronic Warfare,Stealth, Information Operations to Cyber and Counter-Cyber security.He has taken this unique expertise and blended successful KISS (Keep ItSimple Stupid) principles from the defence industry to bridge and socialnetworking to sex. As his old cold war adversary, Adm. Gorshkov of theSoviet Union Navy oft en said, "Better is the enemy of good enough". Stanputs this important concept to work in bridge and love as effectively as heturned it against the now defunct Soviet Union. Seduce your adversaryinto your "Fog of War" and avoid his attempts at the same thing to you.

The bridge techniques developed by the author over the last five yearshave been demonstrated in Club, Country Club, regional and nationalevents and vetted with a large variety of bridge masters. The concept ofThe Big Club was further tested by teaching a small group of AdmiralsCove bridge players the ABC system and successfully competing in ahigh quality Interclub League team of eight IMP competition with seasonwins four of five years and one playoff second place. The system works!

You will take the core principles presented in The Alterman Big Club andbuild your own system or just play it as presented for more fun, masterpoints and hopefully encounters with the opposite sex, or the same sex ifthat turns you on. To quote active long term bridge and sex player MaeWest, "Good sex is like good bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you'dbetter have a good hand." The corollary to Mae West's wisdom is that "Ifyour hand is so good that you don't care about your partner, the resultwon't be very interesting." Mae proved that you can still play bridge intoyour eighties and beyond and have good sex without your children gaspingin horror when they find out that seniors have and talk about orgasms. Iwas going to call this book "52 Cards of Play", trying to ride the successfulsex wave of "50 Shades of Grey" but my publisher, a lovely lady with acute giggle, married, and probably very sexy, told me she preferred my"Big Club" title.... and imagine that, we have never even met. Maybe shetalked to my girlfriend? I cannot pass up "50 Shades of Grey" and the nexttwo books in this steaming trilogy without my learned technical analysis.(I am a Doctor and qualified to discuss this subject.... OK a Doctor ofEngineering). No, I'm not off the bridge track. "50 Shades of Grey" has 20Million readers and that number is exponentially growing. These readersare mostly women and the quantity of readers is about the same as thenumber of bridge players in the USA. There are 175,000 USA tournamentplayers and at least 12 Million social players in this country and 5 to10 times that many around the world or over 100 Million bridge geeks.The readers of "50 shades of Grey" are generally smart, successful, strongwoman who fanaticise about male dominance in a modern woman's libworld where they have proudly turned men into wimps. Now they wonderwhat they are missing. The "Big Club" has a similar audience potential.Bright woman and men, successful, many living alone that fantasize whatit would be like in bed with other bridge players who on the outside seemlike a bunch of nerds but inside.... who knows?

Second, you will learn to love The Big Club and pass it on virally toeveryone you know or meet to spread the gospel (a little religion inbridge is OK since prayer is a big part of the game). Unlike sex, bridgehas no communicable diseases limiting the drive to get better andbetter by playing with anyone, even total strangers. In addition, the TenCommandments has nothing negative to say about bridge. Maybe wecan contribute just a bit to saving the world's great game that is currentlydying because it doesn't connect with the young and young at heart. AskBill Gates who is throwing millions at the game to stem the tide. Alongwith his dear friend, Warren Buffett, both avid bridge players and two ofthe most successful businessmen of our time, they learned that bridge isthe great equalizer and one of the great things in their lives. Buffett claimsthat playing bridge is so intense that a naked girl passing by might notattract his attention. That could be his age and the need for Viagra butbridge players can vouch for the intensity and excitement of the game.Once you know the basics of the game, bridge is very straightforwardyet unbelievably complex; so complex that computers have not beenable to master the bridge master and is one of the last games where thecomputer loses regularly. ABC may change that picture by introducingKISS principle bidding. Even though embraced by two of the worlds'wealthiest men, bridge is losing ground to TV, video games and instantgratification communications. Today, a casual invitation to a partnerto join you for a "rubber" is more likely to be interpreted as a romp inthe sack than an innocent game of cards. ABC eliminates the need formany complex bids necessary to make up for limitations of standardconventions in use today. Some people are so busy learning the variousconventions and gadgets of the game; they never fully enjoy the game.People shouldn't be allowed to use conventions they don't understand.It's not fair to the opponents or their partners. Partners are extremelyimportant. Who else are you to blame when you lose?

My housekeeper overheard the following at our home couples bridgegame and ran out of my house screaming.

"Lay down and let's see what you've got." my friend said, "I've got strength,but no length."

His partner answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have thestrength for one raise."

The other woman at the table was talking about protecting her honor andboth gals at the table said, "Now it's time for a change and me to play withyour guy and you can play with mine."

As my ex housekeeper quickly left, she could hear "Well, I guess we'll gohome now. This is the last rubber."

Third, you will stand out in the crowd of bridge mediocrity and raiseyour game and love life to higher levels of satisfaction. Where else canyou translate a Scissors Coup or a Reverse Squeeze in a bridge matchto exciting positions in a lovers tryst. You don't need many finesses forsuccess but squeezes are a great tool in your repertoire(s).

Forth, and most important, have a few laughs in the process if stimulatingyour bridge intellect.

Finally, the best advice I have ever given while teaching The Alterman BigClub is to relax a bit. Take deep breaths. Don't jump your partner so quickly.Concentrate on what is bid and what isn't. Bridge is like making love. Don'trush. Be Gentle. Get the feel of it. Enjoy it. Don't fight it. If you have whatyour partner wants and needs, you can score well in more ways than earningInternational Match Points. Let your Big Club work for you!

CHAPTER 2

WHY DO PEOPLE PLAY BRIDGE?... EXCITEMENT, RECOGNITION, MONEY AND SEX

There is a fine line between wanting to play bridge every day and mentalillness. Bridge is the greatest card game in the world and one of the fewthat you don't have to play for money to enjoy (even so bridge can be and isone of the highest stakes money games to the real gambler/expert). Bridgeis a game that simulates life and love making publically. It's a partnershipgame where communications is at its core and when successful canraise the excitement level of you and your partner simultaneously to acrescendo of orgasmic proportions. (oops! This book is for teenagerstoo). Although not legal, bridge communications oft en goes beyond thebidding box to eyes, body motions, beads of sweat, hand and other bodylanguage (much like dating). Even though it's competitive, bridge canbring people together, certainly at the bridge table, but oft en in bed attournaments (I mean after, of course). It's a fun game played by peoplethat want to have fun but oft en hide that fact with a very serious face anddemeanour. Bridge is interesting since you will never (statistically that is)have the same hand twice (unless you forget to re deal the cards from thelast game). Bridge, like good love making, takes time, effort and energyand is definitely good for your mind, body and soul. The Alterman BigClub will lead you into a new world of bridge that will enhance all thecurrent aspects of the game that you now enjoy. You might even becomea Big Club teacher and make a few bucks spreading the ABC virtues whilekeeping some lonely players happy at the card table, dinner table or evenin bed. The top tournament players can make $10,000 to $15,000 each ormore for playing in a championship like the Vanderbilt, plus expenses anda large bonus by sponsors, depending on performance and just winning atplaying rubber bridge, a top player can make $250,000+ a year. The mostwell known big stakes rubber bridge game is the old "50-cent game," atthe Regency Whist Club. That's about as big as bridge games get - 50 centsa point for each player (inflation may have doubled or tripled those stakesrecently). A game contract that takes no more than 5 or 10 minutes isworth at least $250 to each player, and a grand slam at least $750. At thatrate, it's easy to win, or lose, $5,000 or more in an afternoon.

I would be remiss at this point of not mentioning who the best of the bestbridge players are today. Over the past 25 years a Texan named RobertHamman has compiled the best record in the pressure-filled world ofinternational tournament bridge with his longtime partner and fellowTexan, Bobby Wolff(Wolffie) a close second. Both were members of thesix-player United States team that have been spectacular in the worldchampionship Bermuda Bowl tournaments. Today, Italy's Claudio Nunesclimbed to second place in the WBF Ranking. Fulvio Fantoni's, Nunes'partner, keeps the top position. Giorgio Duboin, another Italian player,is third at this moment. Bob Hamman (USA), the former number one ofthis list, is now fourth.

Hamman's position as the leader of the WBF Grand Master ranking (basedon total placing points) remains unquestioned. The legendary BenitoGarozzo (Italy/USA) is second here. Hammon and Wolffie regularly playedat the Whist Club, probably adding to their sizeable income, with well knowwealthy players like Alan (Ace) Greenberg, ex chairman of Bear, Stearns& Company, the brokerage firm, an avid bridge player. Added to that highstakes gambling group were the late Milton Petrie, who owned the bigchain of women's clothing stores [ the Petrie Stores Corporation ], JackDreyfus, the founder of the Dreyfus mutual funds and the late Larry Tisch,the head of CBS and Loews.' The pleasure that these intensely competitivemen, whose fortunes probably totaled in the multi billions, derive fromtrying to beat Hamman, or one of the other experts, is far greater thandoing it to one another and well worth whatever "small change" it mightcost them. Hamman insists that they were all strong players, but he musthave felt like a kid who had found the keys to the candy store, his hand inthe cookie jar or his finger in.... OOPs! Censored.

Bridge is the greatest competitive game there is with tremendous depth.No matter how well you play you can always play better. In games suchas poker there is an element of bluff and psychological pressure addedbut if the level of skill is at all close, the guy with the biggest bankroll hasan enormous advantage. No one can totally dominate bridge, since eventhe best players, like Hammon win only 25% of the events they play in.In 1968, he joined the Aces, an all-star team of six players that had beenorganized a year or so earlier by Ira Corn, a Dallas conglomerateur. Hisgoal was to regain supremacy for the United States from the famous BlueTeam of Italy, which had dominated international bridge for more thana decade. They won the Bermuda Bowl for the United States in 1970 and1971. (The bowl is now held in odd-numbered years, alternating withthe Bridge Olympiad, one of four annual major championships run bythe World Bridge Federation.) Wolff, who was one of the original Aces,was a member of the team, but he and Hamman didn't become partnersuntil 1972, starting a very long, successful bridge career. Hamman andWolff often played in the Vanderbilt Cup competition. It is the oldestand most prestigious of American bridge championships, having beenestablished in 1929 by Harold Sterling Vanderbilt, great-grandson ofthe Commodore, America's Cup yachtsman and, beyond all that, theinventor, four years earlier, of the game of contract bridge.

Although it is of little practical importance, bridge still maintains thedistinction between amateur and professional. Wolff and Hamman, likemost of the star players, are registered professionals, but national and worldtournaments are, in effect, open events. Teams of at least four players, andmore oft en six - can be amateur, professional or mixed. Professionals playand are paid at local bridge clubs as well as big competitive master pointtournaments. For a local game, inexperienced, lonely women oft en pay $150or more for a professional to play with them to teach them the game, help themcollect master points awarded to winners and possibly other extracurriculargames and activities. These fees go up considerably for 7 day tournaments.Not a bad business! Play bridge! Vacation! Good food and drink! Then hopin the sack with some gal that wants to jump overcall your body as opposedto your bridge bid. The hidden secret of bridge is now exposed.

The key to bridge success, like penetrating the military fog of war andbeing successful in the blind emotions of love is spreading a cloud overthe bridge battlefield and being able to see through the opponent'sattempts to fog your vision. These experts keep their style of bidding andplay relatively simple, but introduce complications that are meant torender opponents' procedures ineffective. We will discuss those importantprinciples later in ABC.

Hamman says, "The most important thing is that it's not how good youare at your best, but how bad you are at your worst. Everyone is going tomake horrendous errors from time to time, but experts are able to handleadversity better than most." Same is true for making love!

Best of all, bridge is a game that brings people together with common interestsand basic skills as well as normal sexual appetites. I think that the best way tostart on our road to success in bridge and the bedroom is to understand whysome players win and some lose. 75% of bridge success is the communications(bidding) system that good partners use.A lot goes to skills and concentration,which I can only help a little by tryingto relax you about bridge. Some winningtechniques "ain't" kosher as I describedin my last best seller book (just kidding)on bridge, "One Peak is Worth TwoFinesses". Peaking and cheating are notunheard of in the game of bridge, even atthe highest levels. Between 1958 and 1975allegations were so strong that the Italianswere cheating that protective deviceswere introduced. For the first time in aworld championship curtains were hungdiagonally across the tables to preventpartners from signaling by gestures. As aresult, the plastic bidding plaques had to be passed under the curtain. After afew days of play, an Italian pair was "accused of communicating by kicks underthe table". Play was discontinued until footboards could be installed. Since thatevent, footboards and screens have been used in all international play and inthe later rounds of major American events. Footboards notwithstanding, theItalians won again, and despite outraged protests were permitted to retain thetrophy. All's fair in love, war and bridge, apparently. The stakes can be high ineach. Although never definitively proven that the Blue Team cheated, from1957 to 1975, except for the two years they didn't play, they only lost once inworld competition. Since then, no Italian team has won a world championship,and the United States, using many different teams and players, has dominatedthe Bermuda Bowl competition. To the winners go the spoils and oft en the"goils".