The Children Speak

Ever since I was a little kid, I can remember my parents fighting all the time. It wasn't really heavy-duty fighting. They just seemed to argue over the stupidest little things. I never really felt scared that they'd break up or anything. But it did kind of get embarrassing when I had friends over. They didn't seem to care who was around to hear them. They just nitpicked over everything.

My younger brother and I just got used to this. That's the way it was. They were just like that. I kind of envied some of my friends. Their parents did things like hug each other or hold hands. They seemed happier than my parents.

I liked going away to summer camp. It was a holiday from their fighting. Of course when I came home nothing had changed. They'd just bicker all the time. I kind of like that word 'bicker'. Somehow it doesn't sound as bad as fight.

But as I got older I saw their fighting in a new light. It was getting really miserable being around them. I spent most of my time out with my friends and as little time as I could at home with them.

By the time I turned twenty, I was getting fed up with their fighting all the time. I didn't like the way my dad treated my mom. He criticized everything she did. Nothing was good enough. He never gave her a compliment about anything. She could bake the most perfect cake, and he'd find something wrong with it. Things like that really started to bother me.

I'd often talk to my mom and ask her why she put up with all that garbage. Her reply was always that everybody had their faults, and everybody had their good points. Sometimes the faults stood out more, and you had to search deeper for the good points. I'd just shake my head.

My girlfriend Pam (not her real name) and I had been dating for close to a year when she said something about my parents that really bothered me. Pam said that my mom was like someone with a 'battered woman syndrome' and that my dad was narcissistic. I told Pam she was nuts and that just because she was taking psychology courses that didn't make her a psychiatrist. I never thought of my dad as being abusive, just as being very critical. And my mom wasn't battered, at least not physically. I had always grown up with a dad who put himself first and I just thought it was him being selfish.

I'm now almost thirty and I realize that Pam knew what she was talking about. I now saw that when everything revolved around my dad, things were fine. The minute my mom did anything for herself, my dad would start up. My mom had never gone to college. She got married right out of high school. She always wanted to go back to school and she finally did. My dad resented this. But it got worse. He actually got jealous when she graduated from community college with a diploma in business administration. She went out and got her first job and he belittled her and told her she was just a lowly secretary.

Of course it makes me think back to when I was a kid. I could get 100% in a math test, and he'd ask me why I never got bonus points. My brother was an outstanding athlete and eventually went on to play basketball on a scholarship that got him right through college. No matter how many points he'd score in a game, my dad would always make some snide comment about the points he could have gotten and missed.

But I'm getting sidetracked here. My parents split up when I was twenty-six. I was relieved because I thought maybe now all the fighting could be over. But was I ever wrong! I found out just what kind of asshole my dad actually was. And to this day I'm sure I don't know the half of it.

One day out of the blue my dad decided he wanted to dump my mom. We found out afterwards that he had become involved in a relationship with a woman from his past. She actually lived right around the corner from the house I grew up in. She had never married because she had put her career first. She was some kind of museum manager and travelled a lot looking for artifacts for exhibits. My dad probably smelled the dollar signs and the travel and thought he was into a good thing. Of course the real truth was that he couldn't afford to retire yet if he stayed with my mom. And because he was so unhappy there were issues in the sex department. I guess he thought things could be like they were when he dated this woman years ago and he was young and carefree.

It turns out he was wrong about it all. He moved in with the girlfriend and things went south really fast. My dad had lied to my mom and to my brother and me about the girlfriend. Then he lied to the girlfriend about how the idea of separating was my mom's. That was bull. Then my dad realized he couldn't afford the alimony. The girlfriend wasn't interested in giving him a free ride. She also had no use for the aggravation that came along with my dad going to court all the time because he never paid the support he was supposed to and he kept fighting it.

My dad did some really nasty things to my mom. He was supposed to pay the mortgage and utilities on the house and didn't. She actually had her power turned off in the middle of a cold month in January. And she got threatening notices from the bank about the mortgage payments that were overdue. My dad had racked up quite a bill on their joint credit card, and he left my mom holding the bag. Her car almost got repossessed because she got behind in the payments. When my mom and dad had been together, they barely got by with their combined incomes. Now it was up to my mom to pay all the expenses on her own on her salary as an office assistant.

It's been years and things still aren't settled. My mom had to move into a small apartment and she is living on a real tight budget. My dad and the girlfriend split up and my dad soon found another target, as I call her. He moved away and my brother and I never see him. He is too wrapped up in his new life. He also told my brother years ago that he'd rather not see us because we remind him too much of his past. To this day he can't understand why my mom didn't take him back with open arms when the thing with his girlfriend fell through.

So here I am, still unmarried and very reluctant to get serious about anyone. I don't think I'd ever turn out like my dad, but I've already seen my younger brother go through a failed marriage. And I just can't get it out of my head what my dad did to my mom.

The whole time I was growing up she told me that my father was who he was, and that I should have some type of relationship with him. Even after he dumped her, she still encouraged my brother and I to keep in touch with him. Sometimes I just feel too confused by everything. My mom and dad had been married for almost thirty years. It just blows me away that they split up so fast and didn't even try to go for some type of counselling. Actually, they probably should have gone for counselling years and years ago.

I wonder if they stayed together so long because of me and my brother. They split up a couple of months after my brother moved out and got married. I had moved out about a year before that. My dad won't talk about it. He never really did talk about the important things. He was always too busy nitpicking about the little things.

My mom is doing ok I guess. She has a good job and lots of friends. She keeps busy but I wonder if she is really happy. She says she's been too hurt by my dad to ever trust a man again. I hope she's wrong and maybe someday she'll find someone who will make her happy. She deserves that.

As for my dad, I just don't know what to think anymore. Despite what he did to my mom, I still want him in my life. And that just eats away at me. I love my mom and I don't want to hurt her. I can't even talk to my brother about it. When his marriage broke up last year, he threw a knapsack on his back and headed for Europe. I don't hear from him that often. He says he's left his past and his memories behind. I wish I could do that.

* * *

I am an only child. I wish I had a brother or sister. You see, my parents separated last year after celebrating their twenty-eighth anniversary. And I find myself at age twenty-six completely on my own. I have no relationship with either of my parents. Why? Because they are trying to get me to choose sides. My dad says if I have any contact with my mom, he wants nothing to do with me. My mom says if I have anything to do with my dad, then she wants no contact with me. I don't want to choose between them. I want both of them.

I remember my mom cuddling me as a child, trying to make all life's little hurts better. If I was sick, she was always by my side. My mom used to sing to me and play games with me. She had the patience of a saint when it came to curling my long hair and adorning it with fancy ribbons and bows. My mom used to bake me fancy birthday cakes and she made the best brownies ever. She drove me to school, to ballet lessons, to piano lessons, to gymnastic classes and to crafts classes. My mom always made me feel special. She encouraged me to go to university and was so proud of me when I graduated and became a physical therapist. When I moved into my own apartment, my mom helped me move my stuff and helped me to decorate it so that it felt homey.

My dad used to work late, but he always found time to read me a bedtime story and tuck me in at night, even if it meant delaying his own dinner after a long day at the office. I remember when he took me shopping for my first goldfish, and when he surprised me with a kitten on my fifth birthday. He used to take me hiking and skiing. He used to help me study by quizzing me on all the terminology that sounded so strange to me when I took anatomy and physiology classes. He hauled heavy boxes and bulky furniture into my apartment for me.

How in the world am I supposed to choose between them? Why are they being so unfair to me? After all these years you would think that they would have realized just how important they both are to me. Just because they were unhappy together shouldn't mean that I have to suffer. I should be able to enjoy each of them separately. Obviously together just isn't a possibility anymore.

I have no other family in Toronto at all. We moved here from Vancouver when I was a teenager. And talking on the phone or on the internet to my relatives is helpful, but it just isn't the same as them actually being here with me. I do have friends, but they have their own families. I do date occasionally, but have nobody special in my life right now.

I refuse to lie to my parents by telling them I have nothing to do with the other, but that isn't right either. I just can't do that. When you lie, those lies always surface at some point. So I guess I have to resign myself to the idea that I am alone in this world.

* * *

I wasn't even born yet when my dad left my mom. She got pregnant in high school, so they got married. She says they were way too young and should never have got married. She says they never loved each other but felt they should get married because she got pregnant. She was only sixteen, and my dad wasn't much older. Their parents forced them to get married.

My dad got a job in a factory so that they could afford a place of their own. They rented the basement of a house owned by a widow who needed some extra cash. My dad left my mom and moved away somewhere. He just disappeared. Nobody could find him. All he left was a note taped to a mirror that he wasn't happy being married. And here was my mom left all alone when she was seven months pregnant. The widow told her she had to move if she couldn't pay the rent.

My mom's parents wouldn't let her move back home because she had a younger brother and a younger sister and they thought she was a bad influence on them. Ironically it was my dad's parents that took her in, even though they still had three younger boys at home. Maybe they just felt bad because their son had taken off like that. I don't know. But I spent the first four years of my life living there with them, and hardly had any contact at all with my mom's side of the family.

My mom finished high school. She was really great at sewing and got a job doing alterations at a clothing store. She saved up some money and we moved in to a place of our own. I started going to school so my mom was able to work more hours without worrying about finding babysitters. My grandparents had been wonderful to us while we lived with them, but my mom didn't want to take advantage of them.

I was about eight years old when my dad came back to Calgary. He said he had gone away "to find himself". He said he was now ready to settle down with my mom and me. Of course that didn't work out. He drank a lot and couldn't hold a job. He was mean to my mom and had no time for me. And then he pulled the note on the mirror trick again.

My mom must be made of iron. She took everything in her stride. She kept working and life was once again what it was before he reappeared. All my friends had both moms and dads, and I wished my mom would date and find me a nice new dad. But she said she had no time for men. She worked, she spent time with me, she volunteered at my school and she was active at church. She said her life was full.

I had just started high school when we found out my dad was killed in a car accident in Arizona. None of us even knew he was down there. When he left the last time, nobody even bothered to find out where he had gone. It was a real surprise to us that he had been living in Scottsdale where he had become a successful realtor. And I do mean successful! He had a will. And he left everything to my mom. There was a condo, a car and a lot of money. It was unbelievable! All these years we had been struggling to make ends meet. My mom had such a hard life. And now this was happening.

But this is where the story really gets good. The lawyer from Scottsdale advanced some money from my dad's estate so that my mom could go down there and get things settled. It turns out this lawyer was a widower, and he fell for my mom! At first it was email and phone calls. Then it was trips back and forth. And then when I graduated high school, they got married.

I decided to stay here in Calgary when my mom moved to Scottsdale. All my friends are here, and my grandparents and lots of extended family are here. My new dad is a great guy and he gets along great with all my relatives here. And his family are all crazy about my mom. And they like having me around too whenever I go down to visit.

I'm really happy for my mom. She deserves a good man in her life. And I've learnt a lot from her. The most important thing I learned from my mom is that there is life after separation when your relationship ends. You just need to look for it and you'll find it. She never moped around feeling sorry for herself. She always looked for ways to make her life better. And she never bad-mouthed my dad either, even after the way he deserted her both times. She always says that you can't change history, but you can create a future. And she definitely is right about that.

* * *

I was fifteen when my parents split up. It was the most horrible summer of my life. I was so angry and so bitter. I was having boyfriend problems and should have been able to talk to my mom. But she was such a mess because my dad left.

I didn't want anything to do with my dad that summer. It was all his fault that my mom was so unhappy. It was all his fault that my mom and my brother and I had to move into a tiny one bedroom apartment after living in a big house all my life. It was all his fault that I had to move away from my friends and my old school. It was all his fault that my life got completely screwed up.

My parents went to marriage counseling. A lot of good that did! They just tiptoed around each other even more and you could still cut the tension in the air with a knife. I don't know what was worse. That or them fighting all the time. All I know is that I became the parent.

My brother was only ten and he still needed a lot of supervising. My mom spent all her time sleeping. She looked like hell and would go days without a shower. I'd drop hints that she should at least brush her hair or change her clothes. But it all fell on deaf ears.

I was the one that had to cook and clean and take care of my brother. I had to start remembering when garbage day was. I had to go grocery shopping. That was a joy. My dad didn't give my mom much money and we lived on macaroni and hot dogs for an eternity. I wanted to get a part-time job but then my brother would have been left alone all the time.

And of course my dad got himself an apartment and had the nerve to phone and invite my brother and I over as though it was the most natural thing in the world. And my brother actually wanted to go there! And then he'd throw a tantrum because I'd tell him we weren't going over there.

I needed both of my parents in my life. But not that way. I wanted them together. I wanted to go on holidays and celebrate birthdays again as a family. I wanted my childhood back.

And then they started up with a court battle. They were fighting for custody of us. Did anyone even ask me what I wanted? No. A judge decided that my brother and I should live with my mother, but spend weekends and holidays with my dad. Just great. I have to make all new friends in a strange school and then I don't even get to see them on the weekends. And my old friends and I had nothing in common anymore.

I felt like a misfit. I didn't belong in my old life anymore and I didn't fit in the new one either. And then it turned out that my dad had a girlfriend. No wonder the marriage counseling didn't work! And of course he wanted me to just accept her and like her. She was always there on the weekends. I didn't get along with her at all, although she was pretty good with my brother. My dad says I never gave her a chance.