Nick Yapp first went to a little school run by Miss Wills and Miss Fuller, who were nice and kind and didn't hit anybody. Then he went to a bigger school run by Mr Springman, who was cruel and sadistic and hit everybody.

Then he went to a much bigger school, for big boys, where everybody hit everybody. By failing exams he took so long to get a degree in Law he avoided National Service. After that he taught in a variety of schools before moving to Special Education. From 1971 to 1979, with a year off to get an MA in Child Development, he taught in a school for maladjusted children. In 1980 he became Head of another maladjusted school, but resigned ten months later because he couldn't stand the Deputy Head, the DFEE inspector, and the fact that the Schoolkeeper's dog was called 'Nigger'.

He returned to his previous school in 1981, and since then has gradually moved out of teaching into writing, slipping joyfully backwards down the promotional ladder with delightful ease.

His interests are music, cooking and cricket, and his ambitions are to visit dozens of countries and to make Catford the Cultural Centre of Western Europe. Both may take a little time.

He receives tremendous help and encouragement from his wife and children, all of whom he loves in a somewhat soppy fashion.

It is one of life's richer ironies that, although you are employed as a teacher, you are judged as a police officer. If the children fail to make any academic progress, that may be passed off as their fault. If they shout, spit, throw things, fight, and run in and out of the classroom, that's your fault.
Bluffer's Guides is a series of snappy little books containing facts, jargon, and all you need to know for instant expertise.

Follow the leader
Education is like ballroom dancing: you're always moving to somebody else's tune and you're usually going in circles.

Back to the beginning
A small drawback of Infant Schools is that children still can't tie their shoelaces. It takes a very long time to tie the shoelaces of a whole class, and by the time you get to the last, the first five have experimented and untied theirs again.

Staff meetings
Silent staff meetings are for dealing with important subjects, like changes in examinations, curriculum, timetabling, streaming, fire drills, school uniform, the explosion in the Science Block. Rowdy, argumentative meetings are always about trivial matters - parking facilities, staff coffee (its continual disappearance) and who should do duty for absent teachers.

Super head
There are those who protest that the great thing about getting a Headship is that you can impose your authority and personality on a school. This is rubbish, as many a staffroom will laughingly confirm. The only great thing about getting a Headship is that it means you don't have to seek anyone's permission to arrive late or leave early.