Alexander Rae developed the main theories for bluffing rugby when he discovered, early in his playing career, that he was useless at the game. Never to be one to let such details stand in the way of his enjoyment he quickly evolved a style of play that removed the need to run, jump, tackle or touch the ball.

Putting these theories into practice he has played in every position in the field except full back and scrum-half (well he isn't that stupid) although he prefers to play flanker in which position he is said to be a little reminiscent of John Jeffrey. (No, not that John Jeffrey - another one.)

He would still be playing today except for a bad back injury which will probably clear up later in the season. He is Scottish but moved to Somerset some years ago in the mistaken belief that the Scottish were going to continue winning Grand Slams.

For the rest of the week he is a freelance writer, which is a far more dangerous and painful occupation.

People often say about Rugby "I wouldn't like to play rugby. I wouldn't like to get hurt." This shows a basic lack of understanding the game.
No rugby player likes to get hurt. You don't go on to the pitch to get hurt. You go on to the pitch to hurt other people.
Fed up with the winning-my-first-cap-was-great school of biography? Then try this guide by Alexander Rae, a former player for Kintrye, in Scotland. His tome is dedicated to those who play on life's back pitches and has useful definitions such as covering the blind side - "The art of being on the side of the pitch where nothing is happening".
Bluffer's Guides is a series of snappy little books containing facts, jargon, and all you need to know for instant expertise.

Crazy logic
With that indefinable sense of logic that pervades all the laws of rugby, the only direction that you are allowed to pass the ball is the opposite direction from the way you actually want to go.

Hazard to your health
Never run with the ball. If, by accident, you get the ball, pass it as quickly as possible. Running with the ball is very tiring and can be hazardous to your health. It is far better to let someone else take the blame for losing it to the opposition.

Fitness levels
Despite the lawmakers' attempt to make rugby faster and more exciting, it is still the only contact sport where you can get away with the same fitness levels as the average professional darts player.

Forward or back
The first thing to get right is whether you are a 'forward' or a 'back'. In soccer the forwards are the fast, skillful ones who score the points and the backs are the big, vicious ones who try to injure forwards. In rugby, just to confuse, the situation is completely reversed. That is, except for New Zealand, where everyone is fast, skillful, big and vicious.