Acerca del autor

Lawrence Dorfman has more than thirty years of experience in the bookselling world, including stints at Simon and Schuster, Penguin, and Harry N. Abrams. He is the author of the Snark Handbook series including The Snark Handbook: Politics and Government Edition, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition; The Snark Handbook: Sex Edition, Snark! The Herald Angels Sing, and The Snark Handbook: Clichés Edition. He lives in Connecticut.

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The Snark Handbook

Skyhorse Publishing

Contents

Preface................................................ixIntroduction...........................................3Sex....................................................9Relationships..........................................19Children...............................................33Work...................................................41Money and the Economy..................................57Politics and the Media.................................65Drugs, Drinking, and the Law...........................77Movies.................................................89Television.............................................103Literature.............................................109Music..................................................119Sports.................................................127Religion...............................................137Death and Dying........................................143Appendix: Ready-Made Snark and DIY.....................153Afterword..............................................165Acknowledgments........................................167

Chapter One

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good one. -WOODY ALLEN

Sex is always a weird but fun place to start. We all want it, we all need it, we all gotta have it ... but we usually don't get it. At least not as much as we think we should. So let's snark instead. But be careful here. Nothing kills the mood for sex like a misplaced snark. Really. I wouldn't lie to you. And to prove it, here's some classic sex snark.

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. -STEVE MARTIN

* * *

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

* * *

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. -MAE WEST

* * *

A guy, tells his psychiatrist: "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I e-mailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do tills to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't see the e-mail."

* * *

The good thing about masturbation is you don't have to dress up for it. -TRUMAN CAPOTE

Don't knock masturbation-it's sex with someone I love. -WOODY ALLEN

* * *

It is better to copulate than never. -ROBERT HEINLEIN

Lines Men Use

* All those curves, and me with no brakes. * Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. * Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. * Let's be naughty and save Santa a trip. * You'r so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job. * My magical watch says you aren't wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. -WOODY ALLEN

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -DOROTHY PARKER

* * *

A man enters his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.

"What are you doing?!?" he yells.

"See?" the wife says to her lover. "Did I say he was stupid or what?!"

* * *

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. -ERICA JONG

* * *

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. -TALLULAH BANKHEAD

* * *

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type. Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: Say, "Nice dick."

* * *

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible. -P.J. O'ROURKE

* * *

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. -MADONNA

* * *

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

* * *

God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -ROBIN WILLIAMS

* * *

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -JACKIE MASON

* * *

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. -GEORGE BURNS

* * *

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight don't matter. -HENRY MILLER

* * * I practice safe sex. I use an airbag. -GARRY SHANDLING

* * *

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. -JOAN RIVERS

* * *

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anticlimax. -SCOTT ROEBEN

* * *

I once made love to a female clown-she twisted my penis into a poodle. -DAN WHITNEY

* * *

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. -LES DAWSON

* * *

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. -JACK BENNY

* * *

Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. -LARRY ADLER

Excuses to Get Out of a Date

* I'm teaching my dog to yodel. * I prefer to remain an enigma. Or a conundrum. I forget which. * Sorry, I'm trying to finish He's Just Not That Into You. * My friend is on The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette) and I promised to stay single during the show in case they needed someone new. * I don't think you can afford the lifestyle I'd become accustomed to. * I'm so sorry but my shrink doesn't think you sound right for me. * Drinks are a bad idea; I have an AA appointment that night. * I'm sorry, what did you say? I have a terrible habit of ignoring people who bore me.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. -BOB RUBIN

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. -WOODY ALLEN

* * *

Q: Why do driver's education classes at redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the sex ed class uses it.

* * *

The most romantic thing a woman ever said to me was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?" -LARRY BROWN

* * *

At my age, I want two girls, so if I fall asleep, they'll have someone to talk to. -RODNEY DANGERFIELD

* * *

I said I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. -STING

* * *

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Snarky Things You Don't Want to Hear During Sex

* Twins can feel what's happening to each other and mine just called to complain. * Could we do this without kissing? I'm trying to talk on the phone. * Could you undress closer to the blinking red light? * This is one case where you can't blame the condom. * I haven't felt this good since the conjugal visits.

* * *

An American and a Frenchman are arguing, about the number of sexual positions they have tried. "I have read the Kama Sutra," says the Frenchman, "and I know there are only sixty-three positions." "There are sixty-four," insists the American. "Let's go though them. First, the woman is lying on her back and the man is on lying on top of her ..." "Oh, monsieur, I am devastated," says the Frenchman. "You are right. You win."

Chapter Two

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. -STEPHEN BISHOP

People say that humor is really the key to having a good relationship. I say that nothing brings out your inner snark more rapidly than your mate. You won't survive a week together if you can't secretly-yet openly-mock his or her habits. See if you don't agree.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. -MAE WEST

* * *

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

* * *

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -GROUCHO MARX

* * *

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic, and then give in.

* * *

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. -SHARON STONE

* * *

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

* * *

Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. -AMBROSE BIERCE

* * *

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed, and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whiskey and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak-pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, don't you ever stop?"

* * *

Divorce: From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -ROBIN WILLIAMS

* * *

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

* * *

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home and found us in bed together. -LENNY BRUCE

* * *

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always. -RITA RUDNER

* * *

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Women are like cats. Yell at a cat one time ... they're gone. -LENNY BRUCE

* * *

He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds. -PERCIVAL WILDE

* * *

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'm happy to make an exception. -GROUCHO MARX

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -NOEL COWARD

* * *

I can always tell when the mother-in-law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. -LES DAWSON

* * *

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

* * *

Do you mind if I smoke? -OSCAR WILDE (to Sarah Bernhardt) I don't care if you burn. -SARAH BERNHARDT (in reply)

Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient. -AMBROSE BIERCE

Men's Rules

* Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. Look first. * Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. * We don't remember dates ... end of story. * You've got twenty pairs of black heels-they all go with your black dresses. * Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. * Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days. * If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like Fabio. * Why would you ask me if you're fat? You can't fit into anything in your closet-and you need me to confirm that? * If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. * Let us ogle. We have to look anyway; it's the law. * You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. * The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. * If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. * If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. * The only reason a man will go shopping with you is if he's gay or if there's a chance it will lead to sex later.

Women's Rules

* If your boyfriend looks at another woman's breasts, remind him that they'd pop in his mouth. Or, at the very least, he'd break a tooth. * That fat girl sitting at the next table is so smart. She's drinking a diet soda with that double cheeseburger and extra large fries so she will definitely lose weight. * The best response to a married man who's hitting on you is, "Hey, don't I know your wife?" * The only women who look good first thing in the morning are the women who don't know how to put on makeup. * Yeah, I probably shouldn't eat a box of cookies and then puke, but you know what they say: Women who never binge have no souls. * God, that dress makes you look like you lost ten pounds! I guess black really does make you look thinner.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. -WOODY ALLEN

* * *

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes. Mind if I ash how you got your?"

The other guys says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter, and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' ... and she hit me."

The first guys replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'"

(Continues...)

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