CHAPTER 1

Insanity

Why is it insanity because I think
outside of the box?
But you're the crafty one and sneaky as a fox.

I should be able to do what I want and
do what I like.
But I'm wrong if I say kiss my butt or
please take a hike.

All these years it took for me to become grown
Now I'm told what to do or I'm doing it wrong.

Correct me if I'm wrong I had to listen as a child
So now that I'm grown why can't I act wild?

Don't put your restrictions or
dump your issues on me.
Because you can leave me alone and let me just be.

I'm so sick of the double standards and
the things that you do
Because you do what you want so why can't
I do what I do?

You complain about my cursing while acting
self-righteous with your crap
But behind my back it's damn this and damn that.

You think that you sliding way below the radar
But if you believe that lie then you
won't make it far.

Yes I'm going to live my life to the
fullest and do what I want
I have paid my dues and I have paid
quite a bunch.

I have been abused like most and
mistreated before
I even had my butt whipped behind
secretly closed doors.

I have even been homeless, hungry and
even on drugs
My life was empty and I hung out with thugs

The road that I have been on was all up hill
Many times I was close to death
because I was seriously ill.

I lived without insurance and no place
to call home,
A situational thing that couldn't even
afford me a phone.

Mental illness I'm not sure if that term
for me was true
But by the way I was acting who really knew.

I believed that I did suffer from some
types of depression
When I found myself caught between
economic recessions.

My life at times seemed to come
unhinged and unglued.
So I had to react and couldn't just sit and brood

I still had some sort of grasp on life's realities
Which kept me conformed to some
source of legalities

I knew what was wrong and I knew
what was right,
Even though life was a struggle I never
gave up the fight.

I must admit I even did things that I
knew were wrong
On those cold lonely nights that were
extremely long.

I think sometimes that I would have
been easily dead
If I had ignored those voices that rarely
spoke in my head

It must have been that quiet voice from
the Holy Spirit
Because when I heard the warnings I
reacted without fearing it

Today I'm back in church and God is
orchestrating my steps
Because he never left me alone and
he heard when I wept

He knew that I was on my very last leg
And because of my pride I wouldn't even beg

Some days I wanted to give up because
I thought no one cared.
My wounds were piled up in many
different layers.

So forgive me if I don't care what you
think about me
Because I've been through a lot and
now I feel free.

My life at one time had been touch and go
Swinging out of control and this you now know

My spirit needed to be towed in the right direction
Thank God for Jesus and His loving affection.

I didn't give into demons that would
haunt my every opinion
Because I knew God reigned supreme
and had all dominion

So I ran to church to draw from the source
To regain my spirituality before it was lost

Even though things were bleak I knew
that God had all power
When my problems mounted high over
me like a tower.

So insanity I may have been accused of this thing
Because of the way I acted when my
heart couldn't sing.

You could be just like me but I'm
going to share this with you
When you feel like giving up
remember God loves you too.


I'm feeling you

I'm feeling you and that is no lie
I want you so bad I can't help but to try.

Thinking about you sends my rockets to the moon
The sound of your voice makes me quiver
and swoon.

I don't know if it's the unbridled sex
Or just my imagination of what would come next.

I have never touched you except in my dreams
It seems so real that I explode and I scream.

Sweating and hot you have ignited my fire
When I think of you it's with lust and desire.

You tease me with that smile on your lips
You can tell by my actions you have this
horse whipped.

Ride me and take me across the finish line
I'm willing to let you mount me at any given time.

I'm feeling you and my feelings run deep
Inside my emotions I wish you would peek.

To the core of my existence and snuggled in
my heart
Residing in that special place like a fish
that's been caught.

Maybe one day you will feel my body heat
Acknowledging that you were my sweet
little treat.

Waiting to devour you at the first chance that I get
Just thinking about this makes my palm
starts to sweat.

But I'm feeling you so watch out for me
This is not a dream but a reality believed.

Trust me when I say I just need one little chance
To do what I do and make your feet start to dance

As your toes will curl and you'll feel like a king.
Remembering I was the one I was your queen

Then a warm chill will creep up your spine
We will finally be one with our bodies entwine.

Yes I'm feeling you and you're my target
I'll chase,
If given the slightest chance I will move
quickly in haste.

I would make all of your dreams that you
wished to come true
I am that freaky little thing that can "make it do
what it do."

Baby I'm feeling you and my feelings run deep
I have to hold back my thoughts that inside
has leaped.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire I'll creep
My internal alarm rings out the sirens,
whistles and beeps.

I will ravage your body the first opportunity I get
So you won't forget the moments when we
made love and we slept

I would hold on so tightly that you would
know you were kept
Wiping the tears of joy away when you
broke down and wept

In each other's arms we would fit like a glove
Like twinkling stars in the Heavens above

I'm feeling you and it's really intense
You've been locked inside of me ever since

It's hard to stand down while I sit on the brink
Watching you with others is unpleasant and stinks

Stuck between doing what's right or what's wrong
As I think about devouring you it's hard to
stay calm.

It's sad when you desire something that
doesn't belong to you
However, the feelings even lustful I assure
you are true.

There is a thin line between love and hate
And even thinner when lust unwillingly waits.

Lust will have you climbing up the walls
The condition for the guys is call blue-balls.

But for us women when we secretly start to sweat
We know passionately its lust and the reason
we're wet.

True love will come when the time is right,
So keep your eyes on the prize and keep it in sight

So dear heart it's ok if I'm feeling you
As long as I don't act on the things I could do

Always remembering that it's not one but it
really takes two
If we're going to be a couple and "make it do
what it do."


I didn't know

I didn't know that night was our very last
You cheated on me and left real fast
Out that door you did split
After sassing me talking your shit
I wish I had busted you deep, upside your head
With my hands on your throat you would
have been dead
I didn't know my anger would make me feel
this way
You're the last guy ever I will allow to stay
I didn't know that I could get as mad as I did
After I missed the chance to bust you upside
your head!


It's a lot of dirt in the church

It's a lot of dirt in the church
Keeping it hidden doesn't take much work.
Secrets are revealed when you sit in the back
Keep your eyes peeled and it will reveal
some facts
This is why you don't have to believe the lies
You can see things for yourself with your
naked eyes
All kinds of things will become so very
crystal clear
When you see with your eyes and tune up
your ears
Watch who sits next to who
Also watch the person that is embracing you
And when you see someone whispering in
someone's ear
I bet its gossip and trouble is near
It's a shame that you have to go to church and
hear such dirt

From the so-called Christians and the people
they hurt
Tongues wagging without any proof
Trying to sell their versions of bullshit while
calling it truth
Destroying reputations because of jealousy pains
Creating misery for others wasn't all that
they gained
They have lost some respect and there is no
one to blame
Because they threw out your name and your
name and your name!


They didn't know

They didn't know what a struggle my life used to be
Just being Black and not feeling free
Hated because my skin was dark
Releasing their dogs I would run when
they barked
Blacks had to go through different doors
One was marked White and the other was yours
KKK was an entity feared
They were above the law now isn't that weird?
Some of the cops even wore the sheets
While they burned crosses and terrorized
the streets
They are still around don't be misled
Or your body will surface somewhere and
you're dead
They didn't know the kids of today
That because of their color they had to
watch what they say

The wounds are still raw and they run real deep
Some are hushed into silence and afraid to speak
The story of racism has to be overturned
Let this not be a lesson our kids have to learn.


That's the way I feel about you

Because I stumble over the words that I speak
I know I may come across silly and weak
I'm sincere and my words are true
I'm full of love that burns deeply for you
When I go to bed I want you fixed in my life
As I sleep beside you and you call me your wife
Forever and a day would be joyfully great
But even a moment with you I would gladly take
I'm trapped and confused in this love maze
My heart has been hit and my heartstrings tased
I would even settle in the background your
hidden special thing
My heart on a plate I would eagerly bring
Now that you know this where do we go
from here?
Would you love me, cradle me or laugh at
my fears?
I have been wounded by love's arrow from Cupid
I really love you but I'm not stuck on stupid.
Before things wear off these are my feelings now
Make a choice if you want me still
hanging around
I bow down to you and will let you be love's boss
But if I move on now then okay ...
"It's your loss!"


I'm naughty not nasty

I love intimacy and I like to be touched
Caress me all over and even my butt
I love the way your fingers make me feel
When you come to my house the feelings are real

I feel like I'm in heaven whenever you're here
My wants and my needs are made very clear
Nibble on my breast and suck on my toes
Get rough with it, as you snatch off my hose

Sex is normal so please don't trip
Flip me around with your hands on my hip
Get it from behind I really I don't care
Because I'm going to bust my nut
when you're here

I'll do you and you will do me
Because you know I aim strictly to please
I'm not a whore but I'm keeping it real
I love sex and you love beer
But when we come together then
we're off the hook

Because hot and sweaty will be our look
Peek through the windows if you dare
As long as we're getting ours we don't care.

Yes I'm naughty but I'm not nasty
I keep my body clean, I'm a freak and I'm sassy
I love making love that is true
As I make my body do what it do!


Don't look at me

Don't look at me because I'm not looking at you
So go about your business is what you should do
Your wife is eyeballing me she thinks I want her
man
But definitely that isn't a part of my plan
She's looking at me with daggers in her eyes
She doesn't want any of this unless she's ready to
cry
Don't look at me unless you're ready to chat
Sitting there pissed and being a brat
And you shouldn't look at me with a smile on
your lips
While you dream about your hands on my hips
Don't look at me unless something is wrong
Or is my underwear exposing my thongs?
Don't look at me unless you're trying to get my
attention
This little advice I thought I would mention.

I was just thinking

The train goes by in the distance and the soundseems all too familiar, thinking about the passengersgoing to their destinations and my mind wonderabout those on the train ride to Hell. This societythat we live in is filtered with evil among the living.There are demons lurking to devour us mentallyand physically. With our guards down we mingleupon the stench of death disguised by sweetness.

Many of us go about our lives thinking that wecontrol our destination and outcome without Divineintervention. Some people never think about goingto church, but death will bring them there whetherin a coffin or spectator of the ending of someone'slife force. Yet the promise of life should influencethem to stay and catch a sermon from Sunday toSunday.

Often praying for God to fix their circumstances andnever anytime to worship, many go about their wayfornicating, doing drugs, telling lies and taking thelife from others for pure enjoyment and control. Yetnever once want to rock the boat in their situationand causing havoc in others.

Missing people disappearing daily without cluesand dead bodies are found with strange markingsand the media refuses to believe that some werehuman sacrifices even when there is evidence tosupport that theory and cannibalism.

I have witnessed as a paramedic the removal ofhearts taken from the chest cavity because eatensome believe that you gain the power of that soul,where some refuse to believe in demonic ritualsbecause it's brutal and ghoulish in nature andflourishes in the darkness and the background ofour minds.

This is a shameless society where anything goes,from worshiping the devil to sleeping with familymembers and the incestuous behavior is hiddendeep within the family. Unfortunately, while theact of molestation continues to rise it also createsa mental breakdown of the victims who some inturn become monsters with learned behavior.

Demonic behavior is evilness motivated withoutremorse, fiendish and also a spiritual force inspiredby the devil. No longer do I hear the laughter inmy ears from happiness, loud outburst of cries fillsmy brain from the tortured victims of murderedsouls as I visualize their last moments. We are leftdumbfounded and horrified about the carnage ofbodies found dead as reported on the news.

I was just thinking when I heard the sound ofthe train as it sped by, where was it going andwhere has it been or is it a vessel for the fleeingof a criminal? Maybe just maybe it's a spiritualtrain going to the destination of hell and the gateto Heaven has closed. Wake up people and figureout where your life is heading and make youradjustments.

The world has changed and the bad out-weigh thegood so be careful when the train comes and it'stime to get on board or will the conductor tell youthat it's a one way destination ticket to hell?

I was just thinking.

One day

One day I will tell your story and reveal some
facts
While exposing the stuff you said behind my back
I know I won't be here very long
Pretty soon I realize that I'll be gone
Many days and many nights
I heard some mess that gave me frights
You talked negative about me behind my back
With your fake friendship still in tack
I cried some lonely tears
I shared with you my intimate fears
You used me for what you could gain
While sabotaging my attempts at fame
I thought we would be friends to the end
You were like family or could have been
Your problem was that you ran your mouth
Giving a bad name to those who lived in the south
Your origin really isn't very important
You're messy even when dating and courting
No one goes without pain
But coming from you was truly insane
I put my trust completely in you
But I turned out to be your fool
While everyone watched and everyone knew
I couldn't recover from the damage caused by you
All that I believed now was false
Emotionally left to count the cost
Initiated by a fool with mental issues
That I should have seen but not initial
I fell for the hype and got sucked into their world
And now my stomach feels sour and curls
But one day I'll be back in the groove
I've decided to let it go and continue to move
Towards perfection that I know is in me
With positive changes I hope all can see.

What's going on inside of me?

What's going on inside of me? Deep secrets Iattempt to hide but my reflection is mirrored bymy actions. The selfishness and the disgust forothers that I feel while I masquerade behind mypleasantness of cordiality hoping no one catchesthe look in my eyes.

Deep slow shallow breaths I take to calm mythoughts from speaking the cruel truth that wouldcut deeply the intended victim. I know you'redeceptive and only out to see what you can gainwhile pretending that we're the best of friends.

Yet I play this game of being naïve while I watchto see how far you will take this illusion of thetruth. Telling me what I want to hear becauseyou're like an animal in heat and you know that Ithink outside of the box and anything goes.