How to Say No to the One You Love - Tapa dura

There is a need to learn how to say no in a way that strengthens love rather than destroys it. Analyst Peter Schellenbaum contends that if partners do not learn to say no in a lover relationship, they will soon forget how to say yes, which soon creates an inability to communicate with one another.

Maintaining one’s identity while becoming involved in the emotional life of another has become a particular challenge for modern couples. Schellenbaum explores the problem of boundaries within intimacy in both successful and unsuccessful relationships.

From a Jungian point of view, he offers insight into delimitation and surrender in the erotic relationship. The author marks the progress of love relationships from the beginning, with all the enthusiasms and unbounded hopes, through to the shrinking back to more realistic everyday dimensions.

He explores three developmental stages in emotional relationships: Fusion, where the distinction between the two personalities is blurred; Projection, where the unconscious parts of oneself are erroneously cast onto the other, thereby separating individuals from each other and their surrounding; and mutual reflection of the guiding image, wherein the beloved becomes a guiding image reflecting previously unknown possibilities for loving.

Table of Contents

Part I: The Covert No Destroys Love

Does Saying No Belong in Love?

The Tragedy of the Happy Couple

Merging and Resisting

 The Self-Destruction of the Stronger Partner

Pursuit and Flight without Love

Heterosexuals' Homosexual Fantasies

Part II: The Overt No in Love

Delimitation

Hate and Love

Love Relationships without Sexual Intimacy

Becoming More Feminine, Even as a Man

Part Ill: Must One Choose Between I and Thou?

The No of Separation and Divorce

Surrender and Discovery of Self in Sexuality

Thou Art an Image of my Secret Life

The Attitude of Eros