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Matthew Titus is a professional matchmaker in Manhattan, New York and is the founder of Matt's Little Black Book, a relationship and date coaching service.

Tamsen Fadal is a lifestyle expert and is an Emmy Award-winning television reporter for WPIX in New York City, for the morning news, where she hosts WPIX Totally Tamsen segments. And, now she adds author to her resume. Tamsen has co-authored two books recently, "Why Hasn't He Proposed?" and "Why Hasn't He Called?" Previously she was a reporter at WCBS in New York

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Why Hasn't He Proposed?

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Contents

Chapter One

Nicole and Mike have been together for three years. Nicole, 30, and Mike, 29, met in their hometown of Austin, Texas. It was one of those relationships that just naturally fall into place. They met at a party, exchanged phone numbers, went out on a first date, and within a month were officially exclusive. After they had been dating for about a year, Mike got a job offer from a top ad agency in New York City. Still very much in the throes of new love, he wasn't about to leave Nicole behind, so he asked her to make the move with him. Nicole, a photographer, had always dreamed of living in New York City, so a chance to relocate to the Big Apple with a guy with whom she was madly in love wasn't exactly a hard sell. Cohabitation came with the relocation package. New York City's outrageously high cost of living meant that renting separate apartments wasn't an option.

At the time, neither Nicole nor Mike brought up the topic of marriage. For Mike's part, it didn't occur to him to bring it up. Many of the couple's friends and family members, on the other hand, assumed that by asking Nicole to move with him to New York, Mike was laying the groundwork for an eventual proposal. However, at 26, Mike was focused on establishing his career, and even though he was in love with Nicole, getting married was the furthest thing from his mind. Sure, being with Nicole made him happy, at times downright giddy, but he was a guy; it wasn't as if he sat around mulling where their relationship was ultimately headed or what Nicole was thinking.

As for Nicole, deep down she did wonder about what Mike was contemplating, where the relationship was going, and whether the move together would ultimately lead to marriage. (After all, she was a girl.) At that point in the relationship, though, they were just passing thoughts. These musings had yet to take root in her brain and mature into hopes and fears. In those early days of the relationship, her brain was still awash with all the chemicals that are released by new love. She was too busy being elated about having found her soul mate and too excited about living in New York City to worry about whether the move would lead to marriage.

It was a good thing she wasn't hung up on marriage, because if she had been, she would have found herself in a major dilemma. As with many other Southern women, Nicole was full of contradictions regarding men and relationships. She wasn't so old-fashioned that she would abstain from premarital sex or refuse to move in with a boyfriend, but when it came to subjects such as marriage, she felt it was the man's place to bring up the topic, not the woman's.

Two years later, with many New York City adventures behind them, Mike still hadn't brought up the subject of marriage, and Nicole had remained true to her Southern upbringing and never broached the topic. The problem was that by now the fogginess of new love had lifted, and with a clear head, not to mention a ticking biological clock, Nicole was thinking seriously about her future with Mike—more like obsessing about it. After two years of cohabitation, she was still crazy in love with Mike, and there wasn't a doubt in her mind that he was the man she wanted to marry. Mike seemed equally happy. Why shouldn't he be? The chemistry was still there, the sex was as hot as ever, and the good times and laughs were still coming. So, why hadn't Mike proposed? What was his problem? With each passing month, Nicole began to feel more and more that she was in a state of limbo and that there were only two ways out: a proposal from Mike or a breakup.

LIMBO LAND

Nicole is not alone in relationship limbo; hundreds of thousands of other equally fabulous women are right there with her—all wanting to take their relationships forward but stuck by their boyfriends' inaction. Typically, a woman winds up in this state of limbo two to three years into an otherwise healthy relationship. Here are a few signposts that point to the conclusion that your relationship has veered off course and is now parked in limbo land:

* You've created a mental spreadsheet of all the married couples you know, with the exact amount of time it took each couple to get from their meeting day to their wedding day.

* Occasions that used to be fun have now become uncomfortable, such as Valentine's Day, your anniversary, and any wedding that the two of you are invited to attend.

* Many things that he says or does have become clouded over by your feelings of impatience and disappointment in his not having proposed. For instance, if he gets a raise, you think, "Great, now you can afford to buy me a ring, buddy!" Or if he buys you flowers, you think, "Enough with the flowers already; think 'carats!' "

* Because of your frustration, one-on-one time with him has become strained and uncomfortable. As a consequence, you both manage to either avoid being alone together or make sure there are enough diversions to drown out the awkwardness. For instance, the television is always on during dinner at home, friends always accompany you when you eat out, and you can't remember the last time you both just sat outside and shot the breeze during sunset.

If these signs sound all too familiar, have no fear! Tamsen and I are here to guide you out of relationship limbo. But before I go any further, I want you to fully understand that you're not alone. I have the numbers to prove it! Just check out these stats: From 1995 to 2005, the marriage rate in the United States dropped by nearly 20 percent, according to a Rutgers University study. Moreover, in 2007, it was reported that for the first time ever, more American women (51 percent) were unmarried than were married.

Don't misunderstand: I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman's choosing not to marry or to live with a long-term boyfriend in lieu of getting hitched. The distressing element is that many women who are unmarried today are not choosing to be spouseless. Quite the contrary: a large number of them are simply waiting for long-term boyfriends to pop the question. The proof is in my in-box. Every day I receive e-mails from women all over the country who are frustrated by their boyfriends' disinterest in marriage. These women say they are with the men with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives, but the guys just don't seem interested in taking them as lawfully wedded wives.

STATE OF DISUNION

Before we get into listing the reasons he's not proposing, I'd like to talk a little about the current state of marriage. Believe it or not, this ancient institution has seen more changes in the past thirty years than it has in the past five thousand! One of the chief changes is that both men and women are waiting longer to get married. Here are some more numbers for you: the marriage rate has dropped by about 30 percent in the past twenty- five years, and on average, Americans are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did back in 1970. In New York, it's as rare to find someone in his or her twenties who's married as it is to find a cab on a rainy day during rush hour.

One reason people are saying, "I don't right now" instead of "I do" is that they're choosing to head higher up the corporate ladder before they go down the aisle. Both men and women are putting marriage on the back burner to focus more on their careers. Unfortunately, by the time they get around to looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, their dating pool is more like a puddle. Putting marriage off is not necessarily a bad thing either. In fact, waiting to marry might actually improve your chances of having a successful union. Here's why:

* The older you are when you marry, the more wisdom you have acquired. The wiser you are, the better your prospects of weathering the many storms that come with marriage.

* With age comes more self-assurance and a greater sense of independence.

* Couples who wait longer to marry are typically more financially stable.

* The criteria that folks who are older and wiser use to choose their marriage partners are concerned less with attraction and more with shared values, according to divorce360.com.

Another reason people aren't rushing to the altar today is that our society has come to accept cohabitation. Long-term couples who decide to live together without a legally recognized union are no longer looked down upon and accused of "living in sin"—except perhaps by grandparents and grand-aunts and -uncles. As a result, the number of couples shacking up has skyrocketed. Since 1970, the number of Americans living together has jumped from about five hundred thousand opposite-sex couples to more than five million, according to another Rutgers study.

One thing that's spurring this trend is the publicity given to many Hollywood couples who are going to the maternity ward without first stopping at the chapel. Think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as Halle Berry and Naomi Watts and their respective baby daddies. For better or for worse, the goings-on in Hollywood have a tremendous impact on the trends that are embraced by our society. Here let me repeat my earlier disclaimer: there is nothing whatsoever wrong with choosing to cohabit as opposed to getting married. Then again, if your heart is set on eventually marrying your cohabitant, shacking up can thwart your chances of ever getting that marriage certificate. More on this in Chapter 2.

The last big impact on marriage that I'd like to touch on has to do with a bit of confusion left behind by the feminist movement. Don't get me wrong, ladies: I have no problem with feminism in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I embrace it—every day, as a matter of fact; no one exudes more girl power than Tamsen! My premise is that, like it or not, the changes brought about by the feminist movement have left many guys perplexed about their roles in relationships. Case in point: Back in the olden days, the trajectory to the altar was clear. The man did the courting while the woman sat back and allowed herself to be courted. By and large, the man pretty much called all the shots in the relationship. Note the words "love, honor, and obey." That was then, and this is now. These days, men and women tend to be equals in their relationships and make every important decision together.

By default, men no longer have the mind-set of sitting alone in the driver's seat. There's little wonder that not many of them are waking up one day and thinking, "It's time for me to go to the jewelry store, pay thousands of dollars for a ring for my girlfriend, and ask her to marry me. Oh, and I'm going to take this gigantic step without seeking any input from her whatsoever, even though she has always participated in every major decision involving our relationship."

I firmly believe that in many instances men are not proposing because they are simply unsure of how they're supposed to navigate this confusing landscape—a landscape where society in some respects wants it both ways: equality between the sexes, except when it comes time to pay for dinner, open a door, or make a life-changing decision about when it's time to get married. Pretty confusing state of affairs for us guys, don't you think? Aw, don't worry; this is just one of the many murky areas we're going to clear up for you in the coming chapters.

NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER

Throughout my dating career, I was one of those girls who scoffed at marriage. Whenever the topic of marriage came up with family or friends, I'd breezily refer to it as "just a piece of paper." When Matt and I started to get serious, I continued to express ambivalence toward matrimony. One time when he was in the room while I was chatting with a friend on the telephone, I even allowed him to overhear my "it's just a piece of paper" speech. Big talk. Matt, being Matt, saw right through me!

You see, the truth is—once I met Matt, anyway—all of my protestations about marriage were more for my benefit than anyone else's. I was working hard to convince myself that I couldn't care less if Matt stuck around or took the next train to Anywhere Else. In my heart, however, more than anything, I wanted to marry him. The reason I was putting up such a tough front was that my mother passed away when I was 20, and because of that devastating loss, I was dealing with my own fears of abandonment. Thankfully, Matt scaled the protective wall I had built around my heart and asked me to marry him anyway.

Now that I've joined the ranks of the happily married, I get that marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's a powerful commitment in which you get to weave your life with the life of the person you love. I still can't believe how lucky I am to get to share my ups, downs, and everything in between with Matt. When it comes to marriage, I've gone from a critic to a convert.

Speaking of critics, when Matt and I began working on this book, we both ran across our share of them. "A woman shouldn't sit around and worry about whether a man is going to propose to her," they said. Accompanying them were the predictable cries, "Why write a book about marriage? It's nothing more than a piece of paper!" Boy, did that sound familiar. While I understand where these naysayers are coming from, I don't think they understand where Matt and I are coming from, or the reason we decided to write this book. We don't believe that wanting to marry the man with whom you are in love and to make a life together is in any way an antifeminist sentiment. We don't believe that it means you aren't a strong and independent woman. We think it's an honest, natural desire. After all, as females, we are biologically wired to seek a secure home with our mates in order to protect the future of the species. It's undeniable to us that marriage is so much more than a piece of paper! It's an institution that comes with countless perks.

Still, I didn't want you to just take my word for how great marriage is and why you should feel perfectly OK about wanting to marry the man you love. To support my position, I decided to put my investigative reporter skills to work and once and for all answer the question: "What's so great about marriage?" When I began my research, I was astounded at the body of scientific evidence that had been established on the pros of marriage. It turns out that marriage is good for our health, our bank accounts, and our sanity! Here's a brief summary of what I found:

* Got marriage? A mountain of research shows that married people live longer, healthier lives. People who are happily married have better immune systems. If you're counting, being married adds four years to a woman's life and ten years to a man's life! Married folks also suffer less from psychological disorders such as depression and anxiety and are less likely to abuse alcohol and drugs. Scientists believe that this effect is directly related to the fact that marriage adds a fuller sense of meaning to people's lives.

* Cha-ching! Being married means a bigger bank account. It's been proven that married men earn from 10 to 50 percent more money than their unmarried counterparts. Although the exact reasons for this discrepancy are not entirely clear, researchers believe a major contributor might be that employers are biased toward married men, considering them to be more committed, stable, and productive. Women don't share in this particular perk because as they begin having children, on average, their earning power tends to decline. However, they do have a stake in the overall economic benefits of being married. Studies also show that married folks manage their money better and build bigger nest eggs together.

* Sex, sex, and more sex! Married people have hotter and more frequent sex. Yep, it's true. Forget that myth about singles having all the chandelier-swinging sex. A principal cause is that if you're married, you're more likely to have sex in the first place. Nearly 25 percent of single guys and 30 percent of single women aren't even having sex. Married folks are also having more satisfying sex, according to research. One explanation is that married couples have spent time perfecting skills that please their partners.

* Will you be my next of kin? If you're married, the law is on your side. In total, married couples have fourteen hundred legal rights in the United States, including being designated the "next of kin" for hospital visits, the ability to have joint insurance policies, numerous tax benefits, and the right to half of one another's assets.

* Oh, happy day! Last, but certainly not least, studies show that married people report being happier than cohabiters, divorced people, or folks who have never been married. There are several reasons for this, but one that I found particularly interesting is that married couples tend to split all of life's tasks according to who is better suited to perform the particular job. For example, if a wife is better than her husband at managing money, she will take care of the bills, leaving the husband, who hates to deal with money, free of that particular chore. Similarly, if the wife hates to cook, and her husband loves to cook, he gets to do something he enjoys, and she gets out of doing something she spurns. It's so simple, but it's so true. It's not hard to infer some of the other reasons for the spike in happiness. Remember: people who are married are healthier and richer and are having a better time between the sheets.

WHEN SHOULD YOU EXPECT A PROPOSAL?

We've talked about the state of marriage today, so you now have an accurate measure of the playing field. We've chatted about the pros of marriage to give you a better understanding of what you're playing for. Now it's time to chat about the clock you're up against. Exactly when should you expect a proposal from the guy with whom you've been in a long-term relationship?

Unfortunately, the timetable for when a guy should propose in a long-term relationship is a bit on the subjective side. Undeterred, we've tapped our experience with thousands of couples to establish guidance on when it's most appropriate for him to pop the question. Here goes: You should not expect a proposal until you've been together for at least a year and a half. If it's been two and a half years, and he hasn't mentioned marriage, it's time to get down to business. However, if he's in his twenties, he gets more flexibility. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age for a first marriage for men is 27.1, and for women it's 25.3; add about three years for folks living in major cities, such as New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles. Once he hits 30, however, the game is on. Certain extenuating circumstances do exist even when he's in his thirties. For instance, he gets leeway if he's pursuing a secondary degree or is in the military. Note: prison or any other legal trouble is not an extenuating circumstance; it's a deal breaker!

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Why Hasn't He Proposed?by MATT TITUS TAMSEN FADAL Copyright © 2009 by Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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