WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY ABOUT...
MARRIAGE?
"It took me a long time to find the man I was willing to commit myself to. Even the word commit is troublesome. One is committed to a mental institution."
MEN WITH DOGS?
"As a dog lover, I've researched many different breeds and I've begun to realize that you can tell a lot about a person by what breed of dog they choose to associate with. A bit self-conscious about your cellulite? A guy with a shar-pei is for you. They're hard to find, but cheaper than lipo."
THE BEAUTY OF MENOPAUSE?
"I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to end up a bald, fat, sweaty, irritable woman with a dry vagina and a full beard who never sleeps and has memory loss so I won't even be able to remember how hot I used to look!"
STEPPARENTHOOD?
"My mother used to tell me 'you can't buy your kids'love.' Bullshit. You can, and it's exponential. They'relike Russian mail-order brides -- the more you spend,the more they love you."
WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY? is Essman's irreverent, refreshingly candid, and hilarious retort to the dubious facts of life that we all face.
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