Private Members - Tapa blanda

Welcome to St Benedict’s Country Club and Spa. As a home away from home for the A-list, naturally membership comes at a premium – only the over-sexed, the over-rich and the over-beautiful need apply.

Take a tour of the sauna and work up a sweat before indulging in an intimate Swedish massage. Should your mood need enhancing further, this chic retreat comes with its own drugs baron and you simply must sample the foie gras in the Michelin-starred restaurant. Do watch out for the fiery-tempered chef, though, more prone to filleting his light-fingered staff than the freshly caught sea bass ...

WAGs and racing drivers rub shoulders on the famous golf course, site of many a hole in one, and you’ll be able to join your celebrity companions for a glass of Cristal in the luxuriously appointed terrace bar after a hard day’s posturing for the paparazzi.

But beware. The St Benedict’s experience involves more sex, bad behaviour, blackmail and deviance than most women can handle. Are you ready to join the Club?