Wat je baby vertelt - Tapa dura

Chapter One

Loving the Toddler You Have

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

—William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice Babies Revisited

In the course of writing this second book, my coauthor and I held a class reunion for some of the babies who had attended my groups. Infants between one and four months old when we last saw them, the five alumni were now in the thick of toddlerhood. What a difference a year and a half had made. We recognized their slightly more mature faces, but physically the tiny dynamos who poured into my playroom bore scant resemblance to the babies I had known—sweet helpless things who could do little but stare at the wavy lines on the wallpaper. Where once holding up their heads or “swimming” on their tummies was a feat, these children were into everything. When their mums plopped them down, they crawled, tottered, or walked, sometimes holding on, sometimes on their own, desperate to explore. Eyes aglow, babbling sense and nonsense alike, their hands reached here, there, and everywhere.

Recovering from the shock of seeing this miracle of instant growth—it was like time-lapse photography without the middle stages—I started to remember the babies I once knew.

There was Rachel, sitting in her mum’s lap, cautiously eyeing her playmates, a bit fearful to venture out on her own. It was the same Rachel who cried as a baby when presented with a stranger’s face and who balked during the class on infant massage, letting us know she wasn’t ready for so much stimulation.

Betsy, one of the first of the babies to actually reach out and touch another child, was clearly still the most active and interactive of all the children, curious about every toy, interested in everyone else’s business. She was extremely frisky as an infant, so it didn’t surprise me when she began clambering up the changing table with the skill of a monkey and a nothing-can-stop-me look on her face. (Not to worry: Her mum, obviously used to Betsy’s athletic feats, kept a close eye on her and a ready hand near her tush.)

Tucker, who had reached every baby milestone on cue, was playing near the changing table. Every so often, he’d glance up at Betsy, but the brightly colored forms of the shape box were more intriguing to him. Tucker was still right on track—he knew his colors and was able to figure out which shapes fit into which holes, just like “the books” said a twenty-month-old could.

Allen was in the play garden by himself, set off from the others, which made me think of his serious-looking, three-month-old self. Even as an infant, Allen always seemed to have a lot on his mind, and he had that same concerned expression now as he tried to insert a “letter” into the play mailbox.

Finally, I couldn’t take my eyes off Andrea, one of my favorite babies because she was so friendly and adaptable. Nothing fazed Andrea, even in infancy, and I could see that she was her old unshakable self as I watched her interact with Betsy, now down from her perch and tugging mightily on Andrea’s truck. In turn, this self-possessed toddler looked at Betsy and calmly sized up the situation. Without missing a beat, Andrea let go and began playing contentedly with a dolly that had caught her eye.

Though these children had grown light-years ahead of where they had been—in effect, they were six or seven times older than when I last saw them—each was a reflection of his or her infant self. Temperament had blossomed into personality. Babies no more, they were five distinct little people.

Nature/Nurture: The Delicate Balance

The constancy of personality from infancy through toddlerhood comes as no surprise to me or others who have seen scores of infants and children. As I stressed earlier, babies come into this world with unique personalities. From the day they’re born, some are inherently shy, others stubborn, still others prone to high activity and risk taking. Now, thanks to videotapes, brain scanners, and new information about gene coding, this isn’t just a hunch; scientists have documented the constancy of personality in the lab as well. Particularly in the last decade, research has proven that in every human being, genes and brain chemicals influence temperament, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes.

One of the most hopeful by-products of this latest research is that it has cut down on parent-blaming—a once-fashionable psychology. But let’s be careful not to swing totally in the other direction. That is, let’s not al- low ourselves to think that parents don’t matter at all. We do. (Otherwise, luv, why would I share my ideas for being the best parent you can be?)

Indeed, the most current thinking about the nature/ nurture debate describes the phenomenon as a dynamic, ongoing process. It’s not nature versus nurture. Rather, it’s “nature through nurture,” accord- ing to a recent review of the research (see sidebar). Scien- tists know this from analyzing countless studies of identical twins as well as research on adopted children, whose biology is different from their parents. Both types of cases demonstrate the complexity of the nature/nurture interplay.

Twins, for example, who have the same chromosomal makeup and the same paren- tal influences, don’t necessarily turn out the same way. And when scientists look at adopted children whose biological parents are alcoholics or have some type of mental illness, they find that in some cases a nurturing environment (created by their adoptive parents) provides immunity from the genetic predisposition. In other cases, though, even the best parenting can’t override heredity.

The bottom line is that no one knows exactly how nature and nurture work, but we do know that they work together, each influencing the other. Hence, we have to respect the child Nature has given us, and at the same time, give that child whatever support he or she needs. Admittedly, this is a delicate balance, especially for parents of toddlers. But following are some important ideas to keep in mind. It’s Nature and Nurture

“The studies [of twins and adopted children] have important practical implications. Since parenting and other environmental influences can moderate the development of inherited tendencies in children, efforts to assist parents and other care givers to sensitively read a child’s behavioral tendencies and to create a supportive context for the child are worthwhile. A good fit between environmental condition and the child’s characteristics is reflected, for example, in family routines that provide many opportunities for rambunctious play for highly active children, or in child care settings with quiet niches for shy children to take a break from intensive peer activity. Thoughtfully designed care giving routines can incorporate helpful buffers against the development of behavior problems among children with inherited vulnerabilities by providing opportunities for choice, relational warmth, structured routine, and other assists.”

—from the National Research Council and Institute of Medicine (2000), From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development, Committee on Integrating the Science of Early Childhood Development. Jack P. Shonkoff and Deborah A. Phillips, eds. Board on Children, Youth, and Families, Commission of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education. Washington, D.C.: National Academy Press.

You first need to understand—and accept—the child you have. The starting point of being a good parent is to know your own child. In my first book, I explained that the infants I meet generally fall into one of five broad temperamental types, which I call Angel, Textbook, Touchy, Spirited, and Grumpy. In the next sections of this chapter, we’ll look at how these types translate into toddlerhood, and you’ll find a questionnaire (see pages 21–24) that will help you figure out the type of child you have. What are her talents? What gives her trouble? Is she a child who needs a little extra encouragement or a little extra self-control? Does she plunge willingly into new situations? Recklessly? Or not at all? You must observe your child impartially and answer such questions honestly.

If you base your replies on the reality of who your child is, not on whom you’d like her to be, you will be giving her what I think every parent owes their child: respect. The idea is to look at your toddler, love her for who she is, and tailor your own ideas and behavior to do what is best for her.

Think of it: You wouldn’t ever dream of asking an adult who hates sports to join you at a rugby game. You probably wouldn’t ask a blind person to join you on a bird-watching expedition. In the same way, if you know your child’s temperament, her strengths, her weaknesses, you’ll be better able to determine not only what’s right for her, but what she enjoys. You’ll be able to guide her, provide an environment suited to her, and give her the strategies she needs to cope with the ever more challenging demands of childhood.

Suomi’s Monkeys: Biology Is Not Destiny

Stephen Suomi and a team of researchers at the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development purposely bred a group of rhesus monkeys to be “impulsive.” In the monkeys, as in humans, a lack of control and high risk taking is associated with low levels of the brain chemical serotonin (which inhibits impulsiveness). It seems that a recently identified serotonin-transporter gene (found in humans as well) prevents serotonin from metabolizing efficiently. Suomi found that when monkeys who lacked this gene were raised by average mothers, they tended to get into trouble and end up at the bottom of the social hierarchy. But when they are assigned to mothers known to be exceptionally nurturing, their futures...

Unnerved by the ceaseless demands of your toddler? Concerned that your two-year-old isn’t developing on schedule? You clearly need to spend some time with Tracy Hogg. Nicknamed the “baby whisperer” by grateful parents because of her extraordinary gift for understanding and connecting with children, Tracy became internationally famous after the smashing success of her New York Times bestseller Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. Now Tracy is back with the same winning blend of common sense, uncanny intuition, and results-getting guidance in her new book, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers. Yes, the toddler years have their stresses and challenges for both parents and children–but with Tracy at your side, you’ll find that this can also be the most fascinating and rewarding stretch of parenthood.

As in her hugely popular first book, Tracy brings her vast experience to bear on the issues and dilemmas with which all parents grapple during toddlerhood. Starting with the simple but essential premise that there is no such thing as a “typical” child, Tracy guides you through her unique programs, including:

· H.E.L.P. (Hold back, Explain, Limit, Praise): the mantra that will remind you of the four elements that are critical to fostering your child’s growth and independence.
· Using T.L.C. (Talk, Listen, Clarify) to communicate with your toddler, to figure out what she is really thinking, and to best help her express herself.
· R&R: the Routines and Rituals that give structure and predictability to daily life and a sense of continuity to holidays and special occasions.
· Rehearsals for Change: ways of preparing your toddler for new experiences by encouraging her to practice her skills in the safe, controlled setting of your family.
· Conscious Discipline: a way of teaching your toddler how to behave and manage his emotions, while being mindful of the lessons you teach with your own behavior.

Tracy knows that your child is special–a one-of-a-kind individual with her own gifts and needs–and she has dedicated this marvelous new book to helping you appreciate and respect your child’s uniqueness. Whether it’s making new friends, mastering potty training, or eating at the family dinner table, your child will do it in her own way and at his own pace. With Tracy as your guide, you can share in the achievements of toddlerhood every step of the way.

Practical, reassuring, and written with wit and energy and boundless enthusiasm for real children and their everyday behavior, this book will be your constant companion during the magical, challenging toddler years.