Learning Self-Care

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Let's take a look at another example from the Graduating From Guilt class. This participant felt guilty about the fact that he had needs. Universal Needs are at the heart of Nonviolent Communication, but many people grow up being told they should be selfless, generous, and charitable toward others. When these folks start learning NVC, they can feel quite guilty about having needs at all.

Step 1: Identify the Guilt

Roger was one such person. While attending the Graduating From Guilt class, he wanted to work through guilt around his new awareness that he actually had needs.

Step 2: Name the "Shoulds"

When asked to expand on the idea that he shouldn't have Needs, Roger came up with two groups of statements that seemed in opposition. The first group: "I shouldn't meet my needs at the expense of other people," "I shouldn't inconvenience or hurt others," and "I should use my talents for the good of others."

This group of needs was followed by guilt from his inner advocate, telling Roger to stick up for himself — "I should follow my bliss," and "I should be more clear and courageous about what I need and want." Just for good measure, Roger judged himself for his confusion, with "I should be able to sort through these issues more clearly."

I read Roger's list back to him, and the statement that touched him most tenderly was "I should be more clear and courageous about what I need and want."

Step 3: Connect With the Unmet Needs

I invited Roger to connect with his unmet needs by asking him, "What needs of yours are unmet when you are not clear and courageous about what you need and want?"

Roger had no problem answering. "Acceptance for my own sense of authenticity. I'm out of touch with my autonomy, creativity, self-expression, and self-empowerment. When I don't act on what I want in life, I miss out on fulfillment, joy, purpose, meaning, and direction. I really care to grow, and that need is not being met either. And if I'm not expressing myself authentically, how can anyone offer me empathy or understanding?"

Step 4: Experience the Feelings of the Unmet Needs

I captured these needs in list form and said, "I'm going to read your list back to you very slowly. I'll pause between each need so you can let each word settle into a deep place within you." We took a breath, and I continued: "Acceptance, authenticity. Autonomy, creativity, self-expression, and self-empowerment. Fulfillment, joy, purpose, meaning, and direction. Growth. Empathy and underst