The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress - Tapa blanda

So there I was roysh, life focked, reputation focked, finances focked - everything completely focked, roysh, and we're talking big time. And it's all Fionn's fault, basically. He's the four-eyed focker who told me that, like, the first time you do it, roysh, you're firing blanks. Like an unloaded Uzi - seriously impressive, hard as fock and totally ready for action, but the safety's, like, on, you know. Well that was a pile of stinking turds for storters. And of course it's muggins here who ends up with the kid - life is SO focking unfair. On top of all that, roysh, the goys stort to, like, totally lose it - JP has gone all Jesus on my orse, Oisinn is basically trying to fock over Interpol and Christian is talking about weddings and, I don't know, love and stuff. I mean, I am seriously beginning to feel like I am the only good-looking, loaded, sane goy in the whole of, like, Dublin.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is a man of the people - if the people are basically birds and drop-dead focking gorgeous. Because life is short, roysh, so you can't fock about with, like, rolling mauls, you've got to head straight for the line. Which is second nature to a try-scorer like me, given my ball-handling skills. How the hell did I get so lucky? Focked if I know.