With three marriages under her belt, Tracy McMillan KNOWS how to get married, and she knows exactly why so many other women still aren't. In Why You're Not Married...Yet, she pulls no punches telling the modern woman precisely what she's doing wrong. Based on Tracy's Valentine's Day Huffington Post article of the same title, her new book explores how and why women are standing in their own way when it comes to tying the knot. Shortly after its publication, the article went viral, garnering 1,404,533 views, and now stands as the Huffington Post'ssecond most viewed article of all time - and probably one of its most rebutted, having spawned strong response articles on CNN.com, The Frisky, and countless blogs. With chapters like 'You're a bitch,' 'You're Godless,' and 'You're selfish,' Tracy details in straightforward language ten reasons why single women are still single. But it's not all tough love; she also offers up seriously sage advice, along with insight into how her desperate search for security as a child in foster care taught her to look for very specific traits in the men she dated - traits that just so happen to lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Tracy doesn't pretend to be an expert on lasting relationships - and says as much to whomever will listen - but she WILL get women down the aisle, with biting humor, wicked smarts, and heart to spare.
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Q&A with Tracy McMillan
What inspired you to write the Huffington Post essay that eventually landed you a book deal?
One of my TV writer friends suggested I write and perform an essay for this popular Los Angeles staged-reading series called Sit-n-Spin. I was trying to figure out what to write about, and I went back to the old writer's maxim: write what you know. It's always suggested that you write something that only you could write. So I asked myself, what can only I write about? And the answer was: Well, you've been married three times, you could write about that.
And it was true. I know all about choosing and building the kind of relationship that leads to marriage. And I saw a bazillion girls who seemed to HAVE NO IDEA how to do that. So I wrote a funny, biting, satirical, tongue-in-cheek, but super-true breakdown of why I felt chicks weren't getting married. And I called it Why You're Not Married. Eventually, I decided to publish it in the Huffington Post. I was shocked--and not shocked--when it went massively viral. I'm just saying what millions of people--including chicks who aren't married--already know.
Why do you believe in marriage?
I think relationships in general--and marriage in particular--is the ultimate yoga. Nothing challenges a person to expand like being asked to love an actual, real-live, totally flawed human being. And marriage makes you do that. (It's what makes parenting so challenging, and valuable, as well.) But, just to be clear, this book could just as easily be called WHY YOU'RE NOT IN A LONG-TERM, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP... YET. I don't think there is necessarily anything more awesome about marriage per se. I'm not a fundamentalist in any way.
What I'm talking about when I talk about marriage, and the thing I really believe in, is that something psychological that happens--for better or for worse, depending on the character of the people involved--when you take away the "outs" in a situation. People are tested. And there is something about commitment itself that actually creates the possibility of success against very tall odds. It's the difference between, say, swimming in a pool and swimming in the ocean with a shark after you. In the shark scenario, you're going to try a teensy bit harder.
You say that you wrote this book while you lived this book--can you explain?
I got into a new relationship shortly after the piece in the Huffington Post appeared. I hadn't been in a relationship in more than a year and what I got to see first-hand is that no one is just "finished" being a bitch, or crazy, or shallow, or anything else I talk about in this book. It's more like each chapter is about a different pitfall that most women will face in their relationships--yes, some chapters apply more than others, but still. We all have all of this stuff. A person has to practice not being a bitch--I have to wake up and practice it again today just like I have to brush my teeth again today. And tonight. That's also why this book is not about being mean to women--it's about being honest with ourselves about the kinds of attitudes and behaviors that block our ability to love ourselves and other people more fully.
What do you think is the #1 thing women do wrong out in the dating world?
Probably the number one thing women do wrong in the dating world is lie to themselves about what they really want from a man and whether they can really date a guy casually. In my experience, about 93% of the women over say, 27 who are having sex with a guy would actually like to be in a relationship with that guy. But if there's a sense that the guy is not open to that, they'll often just jump in now and hope he'll eventually commit later. I don't see this happen very often. In the process, the woman often ends up getting really hurt--though it can be hard to admit that. We wish we could just date and have sex casually, but many many of us just can't. It has nothing to do with morality, we just don't seem to be able to. And there's nothing wrong with that.
What's the best dating advice you ever received?
No one really told me much about dating. I sort of figured out a lot by trial and error. But probably the thing that has helped me the most is when I started being really honest with men. Especially about the friends-with-benefits situation. I learned how to say, I would LOVE to just be friends with benefits. But I've come to the conclusion that I can't. I will be drunk-dialing you for sure about three weeks after I start having sex with you. So if you're not interested in that, you should probably pass. Of course, some dudes PASS. And that was painful, especially in the beginning. But the good news is that a lot of them don't. And the ones who don't, you know are at least somewhat willing to entertain the notion of a committed relationship. It's like getting pre-qualified for a mortgage. Not approved. No one's actually giving out the hundreds-of-thousands of dollars. But you know that, somewhere down the line, you might.
If women take away one thing from Why You're Not Married... Yet, what would you want it to be?
Hope. I think a lot of women feel upset and a little hopeless about why it is they haven't been able to create the partnership they desire. I can guarantee this book will give you insight into what's going on in your relationships. Whether you're single, married, or a man! But even more importantly, I'll give you a way to get from where you are, at least one or two or seventy baby steps toward where you're going. Because I really believe that every woman who wants to can start building a wonderful relationship from where she is right now. That's what this book is all about.About the Author:
If you're looking to get married and you're not, there's most likely a very good reason: you. Not that you're a bad person - you're certainly not! It's just that you haven't yet become the woman you need to be in order to have the partnership you want.
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Descripción Hardie Grant Books, 2012. Paperback. Estado de conservación: Used: Good. Nº de ref. de la librería SONG1742704255
Descripción Hardie Grant Books, 2012. Paperback. Estado de conservación: Good. Ships with Tracking Number! INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE Shipping available. May not contain Access Codes or Supplements. May be ex-library. Shipping & Handling by region. Buy with confidence, excellent customer service!. Nº de ref. de la librería 1742704255